Sunday, August 2, 2009

Hey, every day can't be a red letter day.

It's National Ice Cream Sandwich Day

National Ice Cream Sandwich Day is a time to enjoy a cold ice cream sandwich.

Here's your Today in History:
August 2, 1100
Act of God,

You may often wonder when this phrase came into being. You've all seen it long enough and you may unfortunately experienced it when you went to collect on you home insurance policy. As with most things, the English can pinpoint the first popular usage of the phrase.

William II (William Rufus), the second surviving son of William I the Conqueror, was King of England from 1087 until 1100, with powers also over Normandy, and influence in Scotland. He was not well liked for his unusual practice of buggering men every morning of his reign.

William started out as King of England on September 26, 1087 and liked to start his day with a vigorous bout of forced sodomy. While he enjoyed sodomy with many of his 'special friends', he really enjoyed a good round of sodomy with some new, mostly unwilling courtier every morning. And why not - It's good to be the king.

It was drawing upon the 1000th new morning wake up call and William wanted to go on his usual after sodomizing the new guy hunt. So off the royal entourage went and before you knew it, they all raced home, including William's brother, Henry (soon to be Henry I) and William II lay (or lie, I'm never really quite sure) dead with an arrow shot through his lung, on this date.

Henry, after hurriedly crowning himself the First, called for an inquest into how his brother happened to find himself with an arrow through the lung. Not that Henry was that interested in the answer (literally, no one would pick up William's corpse. A peasant had to bring it round to the back of the Winchester Cathedral on a dung cart - I kid you not.) A Royal commission was held and decided that it was a just end - an 'Act of God' played out on a wicked king.

So there you go - blame the fact you can't get a payment from your insurance company on an English monarch with a penchant for buggery.

August 2 1876 -
Drinking at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, Jack McCall notices Wild Bill Hickok playing poker at a corner table. Then he calmly walks over to the table and blows a wide hole in the back of Hickok's head with a .45 revolver. The professional gambler and onetime lawman was holding a pair of Aces and a pair of eights, now known as the "Dead Man's Hand."

So kids, please remember to split those aces and eights when you are dealt them.

August 2 1923 -

President Warren G. Harding dies suddenly at the Palace Hotel in San Francisco. His wife Florence forbids an autopsy, and the President's body is embalmed shortly after death. It is speculated by many that the cause of death, initially reported as "a stroke of apoplexy," was in fact poison administered by the First Lady. Mrs. Harding was rather annoyed that her husband was taking dictation from his secretary in the broom closet. You have to love this asshole - he actually lost the White House china in a poker game. And despite the fact that Prohibition made it illegal, Harding served his friends alcohol.

Harding had the largest feet of any U.S. President. He wore size 14 shoes. I'll just leave you all with that.

Make of it what you will.

August 2 1990 -
After Kuwait refuses to waive Iraq's war debts, 100,000 Iraqi soldiers stream across the border and seize control of Kuwait City. Their troops outnumbered 5-to-1, the Kuwaitis mount no resistance whatsoever. In so doing, Saddam Hussein precipitates the first Gulf War.

So this is the reason we are in this mess.

And so it goes.

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