Friday, August 27, 2010

Another important PSA from your friends at ACME

Most people have learned to watch their cholesterol and blood pressure, but how many Americans really know how to protect themselves against assassination? Not many. And yet, each year, millions of people are killed by assassins.

It’s tragic because these are needless deaths, almost all of which could have been prevented. I have found on the internet, a few simple precautions can help ensure that no assassin’s bullet will ever have your name on it:

a) First, get plenty of exercise, eat plenty of vegetables, and avoid being born into royalty.
b) Don’t be president, prime minister, or other Top Person.
c) Don’t create a military junta or mastermind a coup.
d) Don’t say or write anything that might be considered disparaging by anyone with their own military junta.
e) Do not found a religion.
f) Do not oppose a religion.
g) If your parents are gods, dismember them.
h) If your children are gods, devour them.
i) Excel at nothing.
j) Stay indoors.
k) Always call shotgun when driving with suicide car-bombers.

It's the Feast day of St. Monica of Hippo. Monica, originally from Wart Hog and moved to the better neighborhood of Hippo, was known as a virtuous woman and was the mother of St. Augustine. She continually nagged her son about his debauched ways until she successfully convinced him to convert to Christianity. She is the patron saint of those with disappointing children.

Hey wait a minute, wouldn't this make her the patron saint of all Jewish mothers.

August 27, 1947 -
20th Century Fox's classic film-noir, crime-drama, Kiss of Death, premiered on this date.

Often cited as Victor Mature's best performance. Richard Widmark's crazed gangster, though, all be steals the picture.

August 27, 1882,
Schmuel Gelbfisz, (Samuel Goldwyn), glove maker, sales man and pioneer filmmaker was born in Warsaw, Poland.

August 27, 1916 -
Martha Raye, singer, actor, denture wearer was born in Butte, Montana.

August 27, 1952 -
Paul Reubens (Pee-wee Herman) American actor, writer, comedian and public masturbator was born on this date.

I know you are but what am I.

Today in History -
August 27, 410 -
In case you were keeping score, the Sack of Rome still continued unabated. The orgies were winding down as everything that moved had been used. The Visigoths were forced to engage in unnatural acts with furniture.

I dare not say more.

Political Philosophy has caused more human death and suffering than any other disease. No inoculations exist. Outbreaks are sudden and almost always fatal. Political Philosophy strikes young and old alike, healthy and sickly, nimble and clumsy, lefty and righty. By the time its symptoms are visible, you have very little time to protect yourself. Popular referendums will only exacerbate the problem.

Emigrate at once.

Case studies:

On August 27, 1793, the Committee of Public Safety in Paris, France, accepted its newest member, Maximilien Robespierre.

Robespierre soon rose to prominence on the basis of his Political Philosophy, the Guillotine, which was quicker than Inalienable Rights and more readily understood than Separation of Powers.

On August 27, 1770, George William Hegel was born on this date. Hegel was also a kind of political philosopher.

He believed in theses and antitheses and that sooner or later everyone ended up in Synthetics. Unfortunately there was no way to test his theory, as this was well before the invention of polyester.

August 27, 1967 -
Brian Epstein is the man who discovered the Beatles, and guided them to mega-stardom, died at his London residence, from an overdose of sleeping pills.

Many critics believe this traumatic event ultimately lead to the Beatles breakup.

And so it goes.

1 comment:

zoe said...

you've always gotta watch those public safety committees...