Oh no, not again

Let all hope that the government got it right this time in New Orleans or Anderson Cooper is going to kick some butt and take some names.

Here's your late Today in History -



Gaius Caesar Caligula was born on August 31 in the year 12. Caligula succeeded Tiberius in the year 37, and his reign was most notable for its policy of Sex with the Emperor. (Please note - this guy not only slept with the unwilling wives of senators and his sisters, he married his horse and tried to have him made a god.) This turned out to have been a weak Political Philosophy, because the Romans all had classical educations and saw right through him.



So they killed him.

August 31, 1422 -


Henry V of England, one of the great warrior kings of the Middle Ages, dies suddenly of dysentery on this date. He was 34 at the time. At the time of his death, Henry had not only consolidated power as the King of England but had also effectively accomplished what generations of his ancestors had failed to achieve through decades of war: unification of the crowns of England and France in a single person. In 2002 he was ranked 72nd in the 100 Greatest Britons poll. And yet, lack of proper sanitary conditions carried him away. Let this be a lesson to us all - wash your hands after visiting the rest room.



August 31, 1919 -


The American Communist Party is established, providing entertainment for Joseph McCarthy and J. Edgar Hoover for decades.

August 31, 1879 -


Alma Maria Schindler, noted in her native Vienna for her beauty and intelligence, was born on this date. In her youth she was an aspiring composer. But that not why I bring her up. She was the wife, successively, of the composer Gustav Mahler, architect Walter Gropius, and novelist Franz Werfel, and lover to the painter Oskar Kokoschka. Rather than try to encapsulate the story of this very busy woman, I'll reprint the lyrics of the Tom Lehrer song Alma, which nicely gives you the gist of her life -




August 31, 1997 -
A charming, slightly addled, beautiful divorcee with two children decides to take a car ride with her very rich Middle Eastern boyfriend and his very drunk driver. She makes the fatal mistake of not buckling her seat belt and pays a very heavy toll. So ends the glamorous and controversial life of Diana Spencer Mountbatten-Windsor.



Kids, if you don't want to end up dying in the backseat of a black 1994 Mercedes-Benz W140 in a road tunnel in Paris - BUCKLE UP.

And so it goes

Ladies and Gentlemen, that sound you hear

Is the stunned silence of the Republican party's collective jaws dropping.


Here's an abreviated Today in History (I'm still studying my almanac to find Wasilla, Alaska)



On August 30, in the year 30 BC, Egypt's Queen Cleopatra clutched a snake to her breast and died. History has judged this a suicide, but there is room for doubt: she had previously clutched Julius Caesar and Marc Antony to her breast without dying, and may have therefore considered herself immunized. Dilligent readers will realize that this is the second time that I have mentioned the death of Cleopatra - the dates came from different sources. Hey, it's not like the Eyewitness News van was roaming around ancient Egypt back then.


August 30, 1780 -


General "Eggs" Benedict Arnold secretly promised to surrender the West Point fort to the British army during the American Revolution. The measure of Arnold's treachery was made worse by the fact that he was considered by many to be the best general and most accomplished leader in the Continental Army. In fact, without Arnold's earlier contributions to the American cause, the American Revolution might well have been lost; notwithstanding, his name, like those of several other prominent traitors throughout history, has become a byword for treason.


August 30, 1859 -
At the University of Göttingen, PhD candidate Albert Niemann isolates the alkaloid C17H21NO4 from leaves of the plant Erythroxylum coca. Niemann names his white, powdery discovery "cocaine" and observes firsthand its peculiarly strong anesthetic effect: "it benumbs the nerves of the tongue, depriving it of feeling and taste."



Sounds like an ad compaign to me.

August 30, 1930 -


Warren Edward Buffett often called the "Sage of Omaha", "Oracle of Omaha", or " Omaha Steak", American investor, businessperson and philanthropist is born on this date. Buffett has amassed an enormous fortune from astute investments managed through the holding company Berkshire Hathaway, of which he is the largest shareholder and CEO. With an estimated current net worth of around US$52 billion, he was ranked by Forbes as the third-richest person in the world as of April 2007, behind Bill Gates and Mexican businessman Carlos Slim Helú. I, on the other hand, did not make the list this year.

August 30, 1993 -
On CBS-TV "The Late Show with David Letterman" premiered.



And so it goes.

We're off to the Twin Cities

Obama's impassioned speech rallied the Democrats last night. Now it's the Republican's turn.

August 29, 1915 -
Ingrid Bergman, the Swedish three-time Academy Award, two-time Emmy Award, and Tony Award- winner (what a slouch) and "a horrible example of womanhood and a powerful influence for evil" was born on this date.



August 29, 1917 -
Isabel Sanford, actor and future resident of the East Side was born on this day.



August 29, 1920 -
Charles Christopher "Bird" Parker, jazz saxophonist and composer was born on this date.




Here's your Today in History:


More on Political Philosophy...

John Locke was born on August 29, 1632. Mr. Locke was a political philosopher, and many of his ideas found their way into the American Constitution. He is best known for his essay concerning human understanding, An Essay Concerning Human Understanding, which remains famous to this day as the shortest essay ever written.



Another important political philosopher was born this week: Jean Baptiste Colbert was born on August 29, 1619. Colbert was the finance minister to King Louis XIV of France. His own Political Philosophy consisted of a big pile of money. This was a very effective politics, and therefore deemed insufficiently philosophical, which is why you tend to hear more about Locke and Hegel.



August 29, 1904 -


David Hyrum Smith, son of Mormon founder Joseph Smith, dies in an insane asylum after 27 years of lunacy. His father in 1844 had predicted that his unborn son would be named David and that he would be "President and King of Israel". At least he got the name right.

August 29, 1966 -
The Beatles perform their last concert before paying fans at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.




August 29, 1996 -


Dick Morris, the top political adviser to President Bill Clinton and also a married man, resigns abruptly after the Star reveals his long-term relationship with a Washington prostitute. Morris had divulged secret White House information to Sherry Rowlands, even allowing the hooker to secretly listen in on some of his telephone conversations with the President. What a lovely man.

And so it goes.

Bubba barks loudly

Bill once vowed to be out there 'until the last dog dies'. I wouldn't want to be one of those dogs. His enthusiastic endorsement of Obama should go a long way to mend fences and give a big push to the Obama/ Biden ticket.

And before I forget, Happy Birthday Claudia and Romolo.

Here's your Today in History:

Today is believed to be the date in 476 A.D. when the Western Roman Empire, which had lasted for almost 500 years, came to an end as Emperor Romulus Augustulus was deposed by a barbarian.



Historians have been theorizing about the causes of the fall of Rome ever since. Edward Gibbon's book The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (1776) put forward the idea that the Christian Church was to blame. After Christianity became the official religion of the empire, the best and the brightest leaders became leaders of the church rather than leaders of the government or the military. Another theory is that the aqueducts, which carried the water supply, were lined with lead, and so the Romans slowly went crazy. Some geologists believe that the eruption of Mount Vesuvius released so much ash into the air that it ruined Roman agriculture and weakened the empire. One of the more recent theories is that the Roman army had been infiltrated by the barbarians themselves.



But whatever the cause, the fall of Rome actually wasn't the catastrophic event most people think it was. So-called barbarian rulers kept most of the basic laws in place, Latin remained the official language of government, everyone remained Christian and orgies continued but in private.

August 28, 1907 -
United Parcel Service begins service, in Seattle. Hopefully some of those packages will arrive soon.



August 28, 1922 -
The first radio commercial aired on WEAF in New York City. It was a 10-minute advertisement for the Queensboro Realty Co., which had paid $100. Programming must have really stunk if people listened to a 10 minute commercial.

August 28, 1963 -
During a 200,000-person civil rights rally in at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., Martin Luther King, Jr. gives his famous "I have a dream speech".



August 28, 1982 -
Two crazy kids got married on this date. Some of the people who were at that wedding are still alive. Some of them are unfortunately dead. Some of them have gotten married (even to each other.) Others are not. Some of them had children. Some did not.

They are still alive, married and have children. Happy Anniversary Mary.

August 28, 1996 -


Unfortunately for others, the fairy tale has a very unhappy ending, Britons Charles, Prince of Wales, and Diana, Princess of Wales, are divorced on this date. One year later, almost to the day, Diana, will have a very nasty accident in an Paris underpass.



(sorry I couldn't help myself)

And so it goes.

The world DID not stop spinning: unity has been achieved

Hillary Clinton fully endorsed Barack Obama last night in a rousing speech. If you read some of the dailies though, she apparently did not promise not to lead her centurions into DC and burn down the Capital or go home, draw a warm bath and slit her wrists. I'm guessing you can't please all news editors.

Among today's birthdays are -

August 27, 1882,
Schmuel Gelbfisz, (Samuel Goldwyn), glove maker, sales man and pioneer filmmaker was born in Warsaw, Poland.



August 27, 1916 -
Martha Raye, singer, actor, denture wearer was born in Butte, Montana.



August 27, 1952 -
Paul Reubens (Pee-wee Herman) American actor, writer, comedian and public masturbator was born on this date.



I know you are but what am I.

Most people have learned to watch their cholesterol and blood pressure, but how many Americans really know how to protect themselves against assassination? Not many. And yet, each year, millions of people are killed by assassins.

It’s tragic because these are needless deaths, almost all of which could have been prevented. I have found on the internet, a few simple precautions can help ensure that no assassin’s bullet will ever have your name on it:

First, get plenty of exercise, eat plenty of vegetables, and avoid being born into royalty.

Don’t be president, prime minister, or other Top Person.

Don’t create a military junta or mastermind a coup.

Don’t say or write anything that might be considered disparaging by anyone with

their own military junta.

Do not found a religion.

Do not oppose a religion.

If your parents are gods, dismember them.

If your children are gods, devour them.

Excel at nothing.

Stay indoors.

Always call shotgun when driving with suicide car-bombers.

Here's your Today in History -

Political Philosophy has caused more human death and suffering than any other disease. No inoculations exist. Outbreaks are sudden and almost always fatal. Political Philosophy strikes young and old alike, healthy and sickly, nimble and clumsy, lefty and righty. By the time its symptoms are visible, you have very little time to protect yourself. Popular referendums will only exacerbate the problem. Emigrate at once.

Case studies:

On August 27, 1793, the Committee of Public Safety in Paris, France, accepted its newest member, Maximilien Robespierre. Robespierre soon rose to prominence on the basis of his Political Philosophy, the Guillotine, which was quicker than Inalienable Rights and more readily understood than Separation of Powers.



On August 27, 1770, George William Hegel was born. Hegel was also a kind of political philosopher. He believed in theses and antitheses and that sooner or later everyone ended up in Synthetics. Unfortunately there was no way to test his theory, as this was well before the invention of polyester.



And so it goes.

The new litmus test for politicians spouses

Ted Kennedy's speech will probably be the emotional high point of the Democratic convention. Michelle's speech was very good but I never realized that you had to profess your almost prenatal love of country on national TV to be considered worthy of co-habitation of the White House. Their kids very very cute too.

Today is the Feast of The Transverberation of St. Teresa of Avila

If you find yourself in Rome, run do not walk, to see the Santa Maria della Vittoria Church. It houses one of the most amazing statues - The Ecstasy of St. Teresa by Bernini.



The statues depict a moment described by Saint Teresa of Avila in her autobiography, where she had the vivid vision of an angel piercing her heart with a golden shaft, over and over again, causing her both immense joy and pain. The flowing robes and contorted posture abandon classical restraint and repose to depict a more passionate, almost voluptuous trance.



(More of the Elvis Costello birthday celebration)



Here's your Today in History:

August 26, 1743 -


Antoine Laurent Lavoisier was born. Dr. Lavoisier discovered oxygen. The discovery was a great boon to science, as it enabled Breathing, without which many subsequent scientific advances wouldhave been impossible.



August 26, 1883-


Krakatoa erupted, between Java and Sumatra. The two-day eruption and related tidal waves killed 36,000 people and destroyed two thirds of the island. (Yeah, yeah, I know, Krakatoa is West of Java.)



On a lighter note, "Krakatoa" sounds like "cracked a toe, huh?" and can be used in many humorous puns.





August 26, 1920 -


The 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution granted women suffrage. Most women opposed the amendment, on the grounds that they had suffered enough already, but it passed anyway since only men could vote.




August 26, 1982 -
The Argentine government ended its ban on political parties. This resulted in more festive politicians, and the great National Hangover of 1983.









And so it goes.

Happy Birthday Elvis

No, not that Elvis. It's the birthday of Declan Patrick MacManus, one of the most prolific musicians of the late 20th Century. Not too bad a description for an old punk rocker.



The Council of Nicaea ended on August 25, 325, resulting in the Nicene Creed. This established the doctrine of the Holy Trinity, which proved that the Father and Son were not two, but three and therefore one. This controversial creed alienated many math teachers from the church. Its repercussions eventually caused a Schism, which caused in Infidels, which caused considerable bloodshed and ultimately resulted in more Political Philosophy.





August 25 1835 -
The New York Sun publishes stunning revelations that Sir John Hershel has observed little men living on the surface of the moon. The stories, now generally believed to be false, brings the paper record circulation.






August 25 1900 -




Nietzsche is dead. God finds this very amusing.



August 25 1925 -


The Sleeping Car Porters' Union was established by A. Phillip Randolph, a political malcontent who'd been agitating for reform ever since his ejection from the Wide Awake Car Porters' Union.



August 25 1967 –


George Lincoln Rockwell, the leader of the American Nazi Party, was relieved of his duties by means of the usual Nazi method: he was shot to bloody hell.




August 25 1993 -
Snoop Doggy Dogg arrested on charges of accomplice to murder, manslaughter, in Los Angeles. He is later aquitted of all charges. His defense, "I was too high to commit any crime."






(maybe more tomorrow)

And so it goes.

National Potato Chip Day

It is believed that the original potato chip recipe was created by chef George Crum, at Moon's Lake House near Saratoga Springs, New York, on August 24, 1853. He was fed up with a customer (the popular myth wrongly identifies him as Cornelius Vanderbilt) who continued to send his fried potatoes back, claiming that they were too thick and soggy. Crum decided to slice the potatoes so thin that they couldn't be eaten with a fork, nor fried normally in a pan, so he decided to stir-fry the potato slices. Against Crum's expectation, the guest was ecstatic about the new chips. They became a regular item on the lodge's menu under the name "Saratoga Chips." They soon became popular throughout New York and New England. You don't want to know how Crum got the vinegar flavor for that damn chip.



Here's your Today in History:

August 24 79 –
The entire city of Pompeii was fired by Mount Vesuvius. Vesuvius, ever the vengeful volcano god buried that happening spot by the sea, Pompeii, apparently to punish the debauchery that made the town famous. Tens of thousands of people perished only to have plaster casts made centuries later of the hollows their bodies once occupied. Once again, this is what happens when a city goes on the cheap and starts scarifying any old whore rather than a proper virgin.



August 24 410 –
In what was possibly the largest layoff in history, all of Rome was sacked.

August 24 1572 -
Troops loyal to the French crown alongside Catholic civilians massacre the Protestant Huguenots of Paris, estimates range between 20,000 and 100,000 deaths. At news of this carnage of this St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre, a gleeful Pope Gregory XIII ordered celebrations and a medal to be struck. Sometimes, you just have to be embarrassed to be a Catholic.



August 24 1814 -


The White House and other public buildings in the District of Columbia are torched by the British. The President's wife, Dolley Madison, is torn away from her ice cream and candy making duties to save a couple of chairs and an unfinished portrait of some dead Virginian Slave holder, Masonite and dope smoker.



August 24 1958 -
Red China commences the shelling of the islands of Quemoy and Matsu, which hold one-third of Chiang Kai Shek's troops. The United States threatens nuclear retaliation for this, but the American people do not support the stance. A very strange compromise is worked out, permitting China to shell the islands on odd dates and Chiang Kai Shek's troops to resupply the islands on even dates.


August 24 1989 -
Pete Rose is suspended from baseball for life for gambling



And So It Goes.

Happy Birthday Gene

It's Gene Kelly's birthday. Everybody run outside and dance!



Here's Your Today in History:

August 23, 1305 -
Scottish patriot William Wallace (Mel Gibson) was persuaded to take an early retirement. According to one eyewitness: "He was hung in a noose, and afterwards let down half-living; next his genitals were cut off and his bowels torn out and burned in a fire; then and not till then his head was cut off and his trunk cut into four pieces. At this point he was given a gold watch, and a humorous card that we had all signed."



August 23 1914 -
Japan declared war on Germany. Much confusion and embarrassment ensues about 25 years later when this point is brought up at a meeting of the Axis powers.

August 23 1926 -
Rudolf Valentino dies. Sales of the Sheik condoms soar.



There's a very dirty joke I could insert here but recent FCC rulings prevent me.

August 23 1927 -
Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were executed in Massachusetts, on this date. Their guilt is still disputed.



August 23 1939-
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4c/MolotovRibbentropStalin.jpg

Joachim von Ribbentrop and Josef Stalin signed a non-aggression pact, allowing Germany to attack Poland and the USSR to invade Finland without fears of reprisal. Three years later, the Battle of Stalingrad began. (The battle of Stalingrad was fought by Germans and Russians, in case the irony was lost on you.) Moral: secret wartime pacts with evil conquering bastards aren't any more reliable in the real world than they are in a game of Risk.

August 23 1968 -


The Youth International Party designates Pigasus as their choice of candidate for U.S. President. The boar hog is introduced at a press conference outside the Chicago Civic Center, with the slogan "They nominate a President and he eats the people. We nominate a President and the people eat him." The gathering is broken up shortly thereafter when the Chicago PD takes into custody the Yippie organizers and their pig.


(sorry the video quality isn't great)

August 23 1994 -


Inside an abandoned boathouse on the Scottish island of Jura, two members of the band KLF set fire to 20,000 fifty pound notes in front of witnesses.



It takes two hours to burn all 1,000,000 pounds. Stupid bastards

She's lucky she didn't get the chair

A Wisconsin woman has been arrested and booked for failing to pay her library fines.

Twenty-year-old Heidi Dalibor told the News Graphic in Cedarburg that she ignored the library's calls and letters as well as a notice to appear in court.

Still, she was surprised when officers with a warrant knocked on her door, cuffed her and took her to the police station to be fingerprinted and photographed.

Police Capt. Joe Gabrish says officers follow the same procedure with every warrant.

Library director John Hanson says a couple of dozen people are cited each year for failure to return materials or pay fines.

The incident cost Dalibor about $30 for the two overdue paperbacks. It cost her mother $172 to free her.



Here's your Today in History:

August 22, 1485 -
At the Battle of Bosworth, England's King Richard III was terminated for having made a fiscally irresponsible bid on a horse.



August 22, 1776 -
George Washington asks the Continental Congress for permission to burn New York City, to stop the city from being used to quarter troops arriving via the British fleet. It is declined, but his soldiers set 1/4th of the town ablaze on September 21. There are many in the government that would like to enact Washington's plan right now.

August 22, 1864 -
12 nations sign the first Geneva Convention specifical calling for the protection of the wounded during times of active warfare on this date. This leads directly to formation of the Red Cross.



In 1882, U.S. President Chester Arthur signed the treaty, making the U.S. the 32nd nation to do so. Hopefully, someone reminded Mr. Bush that we did, in fact, sign.

August 22, 1893 -
Dorothy Parker was born on this date. Dorothy Parker was born in New York City, to Henry and Eliza Rothschild ("My God, no, dear! We'd never even heard of those Rothschilds"). Her birth was two months premature, allowing her to say that it was the last time she was early for anything; her early writing was a "following in the exquisite footsteps of Edna St. Vincent Millay, unhappily in my own horrible sneakers."



While she was a successful writer, she was just plain lousy at committing suicide. Dorothy Parker attempted suicide four times herself before succumbing to a heart attack in 1967.




August 22, 1942 -
The Battle of Stalingrad began on this date, which many historians think of as the turning point of World War II. Hitler had already conquered all of Europe except for England, Switzerland and Monaco and he began the invasion of Russia in the summer of 1941 with an army of four million men. The Germans reached Stalingrad on this day in 1942 and flew more than 2,000 bombing raids in just the first day of the battle. They hit oil storage tanks that flowed into the river and caught fire and laid siege to the city. It went on for months.



It's been called the most terrible battle the world has ever known, and in the end the Russians won, thanks to the approach of winter. The German troops were not prepared for fighting in below zero weather. By February of 1943, all the German soldiers had surrendered or been killed, the first defeat of Hitler's army.

And so it goes.

Every the horses are doping

Four horses in the Olympic equestrian team jumping competition, including one from Norway’s bronze-medal team, have been provisionally suspended after testing positive for a banned pain reliever. I would love to see how the horses shoot up without thumbs.



Here's your Today in History:

August 21, 1614 -


Erzsebet Bathory, ruler of Transylvania, dies at 54. She had sought immortality by killing young virgins and bathing in their blood. It didn't work.



I wonder if Elizabeth Arden is still offering this service and where are they finding enough virgins.

What did Vicenzo Perruggia steal on August 21, 1911?



a. The Shroud of Turin
b. Home plate
c. The Mona Lisa
d. The Sistine Chapel
e. The Hope Diamond

Bonus: what was his day job?

Pablo Picasso was having a very bad day. His so called friend, French poet Guillaume Apollinaire, who had once called for the Louvre to be "burnt down," came under suspicion when the Mona Lisa was stolen from on Lourve on this day; he was arrested and put in jail. Apollinaire, as all bad French dadist poets would do, ratted out his friend Pablo Picasso, who was also brought in for questioning, but both were later exonerated. Very nice guy.



At the time, the painting was believed to be lost forever, and it would be two years before the real thief was discovered. Louvre employee Vincenzo Peruggia stole it by entering the building during regular hours, hiding in a broom closet and walking out with it hidden under his coat after the museum had closed. Peruggia was an Italian patriot who believed da Vinci's painting should be returned to Italy for display in an Italian museum. Peruggia may have also been motivated by a friend who sold copies of the painting, which would skyrocket in value after the theft of the original. After having kept the painting in his apartment for two years, Peruggia grew impatient and was finally caught when he attempted to sell it to the directors of the Uffizi Gallery in Florence; it was exhibited all over Italy and returned to the Louvre in 1913. Peruggia was hailed for his patriotism in Italy and only served a few months in jail for the crime.

August 21, 1986 -


1,700 people are killed in Cameroon when Lake Nyos emits a huge cloud of fast-moving fog, quickly enveloping the villages of Nyos, Kam, Cha, and Subum. The lethal mist, consisting mainly of carbon dioxide and water vapor, displaces the oxygen in the low-lying zones, killing thousands of cattle and even more birds and wild animals. One eyewitness later describes the landscape as being "littered with human remains and animal carcasses."



That would have ruined a vacation.

And so it goes,

Windy City (how original)

I'd feel like it was unpatriotic if I didn't follow the lead of the Post and The Daily News and comment on the possibility of Wind Turbines being installed on some NYC building to generate electricity. I'm waiting for the start of sales of Soylent Green.

Here's your Today in History:

August 20, 1866 -


President Andrew Johnson rouses himself from an alcoholic stupor and formally declared the Civil War over.



Soviet Professional Leon Trotsky liked his job, but the strain was wearing on him—dictatorial burnout. In the summer of 1940 he finally used some of the vacation time he'd accumulated to head down to Mexico and think through his options. On August 20, in Mexico City, Trotsky met with one of Stalin's human resources representatives, who suggested he take an early retirement. The suggestion was accompanied by several persuasive blows to the head with an axe, which seriously impeded Trotsky's growth potential. Sadly, he died before he could sue for damages.



August 20, 1977 -
NASA bizarrely decides to go into the record business. Scientists, not quite understanding the record industry, press only one record but make it out of gold, believing that the unaffordable price will boost profit. The record is nearly unlistenable except for the recoding of the Chuck Berry song, "Johnny B Good". NASA decides to hide this costly blunder by including the recoding in the payload of the space probe Voyager 1, launched on this date.



The contents of the record were selected for NASA by a committee chaired by Carl Sagan of Cornell University. Dr. Sagan and his associates assembled 115 images and a variety of natural sounds, such as those made by surf, wind, and thunder, and animal sounds, including the songs of birds and whales. To this they added musical selections from different cultures and eras, and spoken greetings from Earthlings in fifty-five languages, and printed messages from President Jimmy Carter and U.N. Secretary-General (and ex-Nazi) Kurt Waldheim. Remember these facts when the aliens come to invade the planet

In a memorable Saturday Night Live segment, it was announced by Steve Martin that the first message from extraterrestrials was being received. Once decoded, the message stated, "Send more Chuck Berry."



On August 20, 1991, the Estonian parliament declared independence from the Soviet Union. The next day, Latvia declared its independence from the Soviet Union and Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev declared he was back in full control after a 60-hour coup by old-school Communists finally crumbled. Full control of what?



And so it goes.

Lock up your kids, he's out of prison

Oh no, the Vietnamese have let Gary Glitter out of jail. Kids in Bangkok shake with fear.



Here's your Today in History:

August 19, 1601 -


The end of the 16th century was dominated by the personality of Michael the Brave. He became voivode of Wallachia in 1593, joined the Christian League - an anti-Ottoman coalition initiated by the Papacy and the Holy Roman Empire and he succeeded, following heavy battles (Calugareni, Giurgiu) to actually regain the independence of his country. In 1599-1600 he united for the first time in history all the territories inhabited by Romanians, proclaiming himself "prince of Wallachia, Transylvania and the whole of Moldavia." The domestic situation was very complex, the neighboring great-powers - the Ottoman Empire, Poland, the Hapsburg Empire - were hostile and joined forces to overthrow him; so this union was short-lived as Michael the Brave was assassinated in 1601. This bit of historical fluff was totally unnecessary but the next time you want to shut up some snooty blowhard, ask them to name their favorite voivode of the sixteenth century.

August 19, 1936 -


Federico Garcia Lorca retired from his position as Spain's most celebrated poet (and playwright) in order to become a gravedigger. This proved to have been a poor career move: his Fascist supervisors were so displeased with his work that they shot him to death after he
had dug only one grave on this date.



August 19 1934 -
Adolf Hitler wins absolute power when 89.9% of the German electorate consolidates the positions of President and Chancellor into a single office, occupied by him. Years after the war, many Germans swear that they voted for another candidate but the 'whole hanging voter' thing got in the way.



August 19 1960 -
The Soviet Union convicts U2 pilot Francis Gary Powers of espionage, sentencing him to 3 years in prison and 7 years of hard labor. All because he didn't jab himself with the poison needle. another example of faulty military training.



August 19 1960 -


The Soviet Union launches Sputnik V into orbit. On board are two dogs (Belka and Strelka), along with 2 unnamed rats and 40 mice. The menagerie is recovered safely the next day from the landing capsule. The two rats were later appointed wardens of gulags in Siberia. Belka entered politics and nearly became Soviet Premier in the late 60's, unfortunately he developed mange and had to retire from public life. Strelka enjoyed a long career on Russian TV, appearing in such classics as, I Love Lenin and 14's Company. Scandal ruined his later career when doctored photos appeared of Strelka humping the leg of Gore Vidal.

August 19 1977 -




One of the world's leading commentator on the human condition, Julius Marx gives up the ghost.




And so it goes,

National Bad Poetry Day

August 18 is National Bad Poetry Day in the United States. Right now, you're probably drinking heavily to celebrate.

Here's your Today in History:

August 18 1227 -


Genghis Khan dies in his sleep, after a fall from his horse. His old age and drinking probably contributed to his death (or perhap a Tangut princess, to avenge her people and prevent her rape, castrated him with a knife hidden inside her - ouch) , which the Mongols manage to keep secret for some time. Apparently, it was only just announced.

August 18 1503 -
"In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed — they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

Pope Alexander VI (a Borgia) dies. He was the father of seven illegitimate children, and during his reign chose as his lover the lovely sixteen year old Guilia Farnese. He is said to have uttered the last words "Wait a minute" before expiring.

August 18 1590 -


Sent to England to get supplies three years prior, John White finally returns to Roanoke Island and discovers his colony "strongly enclosed with a high palisade of great trees, with [curtain walls] and [bastions] -- very fort-like." There is no sign of the settlers or where they may have gone, but carved in the bark of one of the trees is the word CROATOAN. Luckily, REDRUM wasn't carved in the trees, because that would have been scary.


August 18, 1958 -
Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul.



Lolita, a novel by Vladimir Nabokov, first written in English and published in 1955 in Paris, later translated by the author into Russian, is finallu published on this date in New York. The novel is both internationally famous for its innovative style and infamous for its controversial subject: the book's narrator and protagonist, Humbert Humbert, becoming sexually obsessed with a 12-year-old girl named Dolores Haze.


August 18 1999 -


A giant black rainbow encircles the Earth, sucking all oxygen from the atmosphere. The air returns shortly thereafter, but only after millions die from asphyxiation. On the bright side, the survivors go on to build a Utopian civilization. It all happens precisely as predicted in the 1950s by Criswell, the TV psychic immortalized in the movie Plan 9 from Outer Space. If you don't remember this happening, fear not, the government deemed you too stupid to handle this terrifying information and had you anally probed to erase your memory. It's much to complicated to explain to the likes of most of you.

And so it goes.

It's Sean Penn's Birthday.

August 17, 1960 -


Please punch a reporter in the face for him.

Here's your Today in History:

August 17, 1896 -
Bridget Driscoll, a 44-year-old mother of two, becomes the world's first automobile fatality when she steps in front of a car outside the Crystal Palace in London. At the coroner's inquest, Arthur Edsall states he had been driving at only 4 mph. The motorist also claims that when he saw the pedestrian, he rang his bell and shouted "Stand back!" For whatever reason, the coroner accepts Edsall's preposterous story.




August 17, 1945 -
"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others."



Animal Farm by George Orwell, the most famous satirical allegory of Soviet totalitarianism, is first published.

August 17, 1948 -
Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard is arrested for bad checks in San Luis Obispo, California. In court a fortnight later, Hubbard pays the $25 fine.



If I say anymore, Tom Cruise may kill me.

August 17, 1980 -
Dingos snatch baby Azaria from a campground near Ayers Rock, Australia. Her mother, Lindy Chamberlain (Meryl Streep - A dingo ate my baby), is later convicted of murder and spends three years in prison, but the conviction is ultimately overturned. Apparently there have been a number of baby/dingo incidents over the years, the dingo not differentiating animals from humans. (The fact that if you rearrange the letters in LINDY CHAMBERLAIN you get CHILDREN BY ANIMAL is just a coincidence.)



August 17, 1987 -
Rudolf Hess is found hanged by an electrical cord at Spandau prison,aged 93. He was incarcerated there for 40 years, 21 of those years as the solitary inmate. In 1941 Hess flew to Scotland with ideas of peace in his head, making Hitler very very upset.



August 17, 1998 -
President Bill Clinton became the first sitting president in American history forced to testify in a criminal case investigation of which he was the focus. Other presidents before Clinton had testified before grand juries in the past, but they had always done so to give evidence against others. Thomas Jefferson testified against former Vice President Aaron Burr. Gerald Ford testified in a trial of a man who had tried to assassinate him. Jimmy Carter testified in the bribery trial of a financier named Robert Vesco. But Clinton was the first sitting president ever to be served a subpoena to testify in his own indictment.



And so it goes.

Elvis has left the building!!!

August 16 1977 -


Elvis Presley dies (or not) in his home at the age of 42, while sitting on the toilet. In the bathroom, he had been reading The Scientific Search for the Face of Jesus. Presumably, Elvis' search was concluded shortly thereafter.



Remember, add more bran to your diet.

We Are living in a material world:


And Happy Birthday to the Material Girl.



Here's your Today in History -

August 16, 1819 -
60 cavalrymen charge into a crowd of approximately 70,000 protesters at St. Peter's Field in Manchester, England. The soldiers begin to hack away at the people with their sabers and trample them under hoof. 11 die and 400 are wounded in the Manchester Massacre, also called the Battle of Peterloo.



August 16, 1858 -
U.S. President James Buchanan inaugurates the new transatlantic telegraph cable by exchanging greetings with Queen Victoria of the United Kingdom. However, she was not amused by his request for Prince Albert in a can.



August 16, 1930 -
Fiddlesticks, was Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's first sound cartoon. It is about a happy-go-lucky, needy frog, named Flip the Frog.



This cartoon was created by Ub Iwerks in 1930. He had drawn a frog and his girlfriend in "Night'",one of the last Silly Symphonies short films he drew while working for Walt Disney.

August 16, 1938 -


Blues musician Robert Johnson, who presumably sold his soul to the devil (the story somewhat being told by the movie Crossroads), is poisoned by a jealous husband in Three Forks, Mississippi.

August 16, 1956 -


Bela Lugosi, Broadway star, Hollywood star, portrayer of the undead in countless films and formaldehyde user, dies of a heart attack on August 16, 1956 while lying in bed in his Los Angeles home. He was 73.



Bela Lugosi was buried wearing one of the many capes from the Dracula stage play, per the request of his son and fifth wife, in the Holy Cross Cemetery in Culver City, California. Contrary to popular belief, Lugosi never requested to be buried in his cloak; Bela Lugosi, Jr. has confirmed on numerous occasions that he and his mother, Lillian, made the decision.

August 16 1987 -


Mercury, Venus, and Mars all get bunched up near the Sun in what some call the Harmonic Convergence. Thousands of nutballs clustered at sacred locations like Mount Shasta, California begin meditating their asses off for some damn reason.



August 16 1991 -


Shamu the Whale dies at 16, from respiratory failure. After a brief service, the Japanese mourners at the graveside were invited to consume the dearly departed, wasabi sauce was served on the side.

And so it goes.