Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Once again, your mother was right

Remember when you leave the house, make sure you have on clean underwear - you don't know if you're going to be arrested.

The Supreme Court yesterday gave the OK to strip search prisoners arrested on even minor infractions. So make sure you always change your shorts. But don't wear too provocative skivvies. You don't need to make new friends in jail.

April 3, 1924 -
I knew Doris Day before she became a virgin - Oscar Levant

Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff, singer and actress, was born on this date (and still going strong.)

April 3, 1942 -
Mr. Las Vegas, Carson Wayne Newton, was born on this date.

Do you think he's wearing Bill Shatner's old girdle?

April 3, 1958 -
One of the Baldwin brothers, I think the husky and very hairy one, Alexander Rae Baldwin III was born on this date.

Alec has three younger brothers, all actors and two younger sisters, who are not brothers or actors. It's been rumored that there was another Baldwin brother, Gummo, who was eaten by his siblings in some ritualistic sacrifice, but that have never been proven.

Today in History -
April 3, 33 -
A small town rabbi and itinerant prophet of a little known Jewish sect was put to death in Jerusalem in a particularly unpleasant way on this date.

2000 years later, little children eat jelly beans and chocolate bunnies to commemorate this event.

Go figure.

Things were not looking good for the Outlaw Jesse James. With his gang depleted by arrests, deaths, and defections, Jesse thought he had only two men left whom he could trust: brothers Bob and Charley Ford. Frank James had decided to retire and attempt to settle down. Joe Walsh had not yet been born. Little did he know that Bob Ford had been conducting secret negotiations with Thomas T. Crittenden, the Missouri governor, to bring in Jesse James.

On April 3, 1882, as James prepared for another robbery, and as all good bank robbers did, he decided to go some little housekeeping. It was a rare moment: He had his guns off, having removed them earlier when the unusual heat forced him to remove his coat; as he moved in and out of the house, he feared the pistols would attract attention from the several passers-by. Seizing the opportunity, the Fords drew their revolvers. Bob was the fastest, firing a shot into the back of Jesse's head, cooling him off and killing him instantly.

The assassination proved a national sensation. The Fords made no attempt to hide their role; as crowds pressed into the little house in St. Joseph to see the dead bandit, they surrendered to the authorities, pleaded guilty, were sentenced to hang, and were promptly pardoned by the governor. Indeed, the governor's quick pardon suggested that he was well aware that the brothers intended to kill, rather than capture, Jesse James. (The Ford brothers, like many who knew James, never believed it was practical to try to capture such a dangerous man.) The implication that the chief executive of Missouri conspired to kill a private citizen startled the public and helped create a new legend in James.

The Fords received a portion of the reward (some of it also went to law enforcement officials active in the plan) and fled Missouri, which now fully embraced the outlaw who had long divided public opinion in the state. Zerelda, Jesse’s mother, appeared at the coroner’s inquest, deeply anguished, and loudly denounced Dick Liddil, a former gang member who was cooperating with state authorities. Charley Ford committed suicide in May 1884. Bob Ford was killed by a shotgun blast to the throat in his tent saloon in Creede, Colorado, on June 8, 1892. His killer, Edward Capehart O'Kelley, was sentenced to life in prison. Because of health problems, his sentence was commuted, and O'Kelley was released on October 3, 1902.

Insufferable Bastards are not to be confused with Evil Bastards. Insufferable Bastards correct your pronunciation, order mesclun salad, and belittle your appreciation of hamburgers; Evil Bastards kill millions of people and launch world wars.

Ironically, this week marks the anniversary of one of this century’s Evilest Bastards coming to power: Joe Stalin became Secretary General of the Communist Party on April 3, 1922.

April 3, 1924 -
The brilliant actor and total loon Marlon Brando was born on this date.

It's almost hard to remember that Brando was one of the more beautiful and talented actor (and owner of one of the most voracious sexual appetites) of his generation.

Interesting fact: according to Brando, the great love of his life was Wally Cox.

Brando is quoted as saying: "If Wally had been a woman, I would have married him and we would have lived happily ever after." After TV's Mr. Peepers and the voice of Underdog died, Brando kept his ashes in his bedroom for 30 years and conversed with them nightly. Eventually, the ashes (Wally's) were eventually scattered with his (Marlon's) own.

On April 3, 1930, Ras Tafari was proclaimed Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia (his coronation occurred on November 3, 1930.)

This ultimately resulted in Bob Marley.

April 3, 1936 -
The state of New Jersey extends one final courtesy to Bruno Hauptmann and offer him the hot seat for the kidnap and murder of the Lindbergh baby.

(as previously discussed, a crime he probably did not commit.)

April 3, 1966 -
Soviet Union's Luna 10 became the first spacecraft to orbit Moon on this date.

No amount of Preparation H helped President Johnson's hemorrhoidal flare up on this date.

And so it goes

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