Saturday, August 27, 2011

Keep calm and carry on.

Lugging those gallon sized bottles of liquor into the house took longer than I anticipated. People are getting a little crazy - while I was waiting on line to pay for my groceries, some woman ran into the store screaming, "It's starting to rain."

One of the store managers, had to come and calm her down before she freaked the rest of the store out.

Lets honor the patron saint of all Jewish mothers and those with disappointing children.

It's the feast day of St. Monica of Hippo. Monica, who was originally from Wart Hog and moved to the better neighborhood of Hippo, was known as a virtuous woman. Much to her disappointment, she was also the mother of St. Augustine. She continually encouraged (nagged) her son (the lazty bum) about his debauched ways until she successfully convinced him to convert to Christianity.

August 27, 1882,
Schmuel Gelbfisz, (Samuel Goldwyn), glove maker, sales man and pioneer filmmaker was born in Warsaw, Poland on this date.

August 27, 1916 -
... I didn't have to work till I was three. But after that, I never stopped....

Martha Raye, singer, actor, denture wearer was born in Butte, Montana.

August 27, 1947 -
20th Century Fox's classic film-noir, crime-drama, Kiss of Death, premiered on this date.

Because this was filmed on actual locations, a toilet is visible in Mature's jail cell. They were generally banned in films until Alfred Hitchcock managed to break the taboo with Psycho.

August 27, 1952 -
... I know you are but what am I....

Paul Reubens (Pee-wee Herman) American actor, writer, comedian and public onanist was born on this date.

August 27, 1961 -
Francis the Talking Mule is mystery guest on 'What's My Line' on this date.

And you thought the Jersey Shore was the lowest point in TV history.

Today in History:
August 27, 410 -
In case you were keeping score, the Sack of Rome still continued unabated. The orgies were winding down as everything that moved had been used. The Visigoths were forced to engage in unnatural acts with staturary.

For those of you with a more genteel nature, I'll say no more.

Political Philosophy has caused more human death and suffering than any other disease. No inoculations exist. Outbreaks are sudden and almost always fatal. Political Philosophy strikes young and old alike, healthy and sickly, nimble and clumsy, lefty and righty. By the time its symptoms are visible, you have very little time to protect yourself. Popular referendums will only exacerbate the problem.

Emigrate at once.

Case studies:

On August 27, 1793, the Committee of Public Safety in Paris, France, accepted its newest member, Maximilien Robespierre.

Robespierre soon rose to prominence on the basis of his Political Philosophy, the Guillotine, which was quicker than Inalienable Rights and more readily understood than Separation of Powers.

On August 27, 1770, Georg William Hegel was born on this date. Georg's family was so poor that they couldn't afford the second 'e' in his first name. Hegel was also a kind of political philosopher.

He believed in theses and antitheses and that sooner or later everyone ended up in Synthetics. Unfortunately there was no way to test his theory, as this was well before the invention of polyester.

August 27, 1967 -
Brian Epstein, the man who discovered the Beatles and guided them to mega-stardom, died at his London residence, from an overdose of sleeping pills.

Many critics believe this traumatic event ultimately lead to the Beatles breakup.

An important PSA from your friends at ACME:
Most people have learned to watch their cholesterol and blood pressure, but how many Americans really know how to protect themselves against assassination? Not many. And yet, each year, millions of people are killed by assassins.

It’s tragic because these are needless deaths, almost all of which could have been prevented. I have found on the internet, a few simple precautions can help ensure that no assassin’s bullet will ever have your name on it:

a) First, get plenty of exercise, eat plenty of vegetables, and avoid being born into royalty.
b) Don’t be president, prime minister, or other Top Person.
c) Don’t create a military junta or mastermind a coup.
d) Don’t say or write anything that might be considered disparaging by anyone with their own military junta.
e) Do not found a religion.
f) Do not oppose a religion.
g) If your parents are gods, dismember them.
h) If your children are gods, devour them.
i) Excel at nothing.
j) Stay indoors.
k) Always call shotgun when driving with suicide car-bombers.

And so it goes.

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