I guess there really are just 6 degrees of separation

July 8, 1958
The center of the Hollywood Universe was born today in 1958.



Remember you are only a few degrees away from Kevin Bacon.


Here's Your Today in History:
July 8, 1115 -
Peter the Hermit died on this date. Peter is notable for his invention of The Crusades and never bathing. He whipped up support for the first Crusade as an attempt to dislodge the Seljuk Turks from Jerusalem: over three hundred thousand Christians perished in less than a year, during which they destroyed hundreds of villages throughout Europe and Asia Minor and killed tens of thousands of European Jews and fellow Christians on their way to a holy land they never reached.



As a result of this astonishing success, the Crusades were serialized and ran for several centuries.


July 8, 1800 -
The first smallpox vaccine was administered on this date. Dr. Benjamin Waterhouse (no relation to Price) of Massachusetts administered the vaccination of cowpox serum to his five-year-old son Daniel and a household servant.



Neither ever contracted smallpox and the vaccination was determined to have been an udder success.


July 8, 1856 -
The crank-operated machine gun was patented on this date by C.E. Barnes of Lowell, Massachusetts, and the revolving gun turret was invented exactly six years later by Theodore Timby. Both inventions enabled mankind to kill itself off with unprecedented ease and efficiency, thereby launching the modern era.


July 8, 1881 -
July 8 was a Sunday in 1881, so when a hot young man entered Edward Berner's drugstore in Two Rivers, Wisconsin, and ordered an ice-cream soda, his request was denied. Ice-cream sodas could not be served on the Sabbath owing to the ancient Mosaic injunction against them.



The hot young man pleaded his case so eloquently, however, that Berner felt sympathetic and came up with a compromise: he plopped a scoop of ice-cream into a dish and poured the chocolate-flavored syrup directly over it.



This religious dodge quickly became popular and came to be known as the Ice Cream Sundae. (The spelling was later changed to conceal the heretical origins of the dish.) Since that glorious day, hundreds of millions of Americans have consigned themselves to Hell.


Jul 8 1932 -
Tod Browning's groundbreaking horror movie Freaks, featuring genuine carnival sideshow performers, premieres at the Rialto theater in New York. The film opens to critical outrage, and is later banned by the British government for 30 years.



Gooba, Gaba, Gooba Gaba, One of us, One of us ...


Jul 8 1969 -
The U.S. Patent Office issued a patent for the game "Twister." (Yes smartpants, the game came out in 1966 but the patent wasn't issued until this date.)



Remember kids, if you are going to play nude Twister - always use protection.


Jul 8 1976 -
Former President Richard M. Nixon is disbarred by the New York Bar Association. Nixon attempted to resign voluntarily, as he had from the California and U.S. Supreme Court bars, but New York refused to accept his resignation unless he acknowledged that he had obstructed justice during the Watergate coverup.



Bad, Nixon, Bad.



And so it goes.

I'm anticipating The Day of the Locust at the Staples Center

Once again, we're just back from our Fourth of July break, luckily North Korea's aim was off and the huge alien invasion was called off due to the high prices of nuclear fuel.

Today is -
Father-Daughter take a walk together day.




Bonza Bottler Day. An excuse to celebrate. This happens every month when the day and the date are the same number. (May 5, June 6, July 7, etc.).



The holiday was invented by Elaine Fremont in 1985 (who died in a car accident in 1995.) Her friends and family have been keeping her holiday alive by posting announcements of the holiday every year (I didn't know Ms. Fremont but I like the idea.)


Chocolate Day.



Remember kids, chocolate is a vegetable - eat up.


National Strawberry Sundae Day -



I know the holiday will now always be ruined for you by the memorial of Michael Jackson's funeral.


Today in History -
July 7, 1928 –
Wonder no more where the expression came from - Sliced bread is sold for the first time by the Chillicothe Baking Company of Chillicothe, Missouri.



It is described as “the greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped".


July 7, 1865.
Mary Surratt, Lewis Powell, David Herold, and George Atzerodt, convicted co-comspirators of the Lincoln assassination were hanged in the Old Arsenal Penitentiary on this date.



Unfortunately, the conspirators dropped about five or six feet, which proved insufficient to break their necks. They were allowed to hang for 25 minutes to ensue the job, if not done well, was at least completed. Mary Surratt became the first woman executed by the United States.


Elvis Presley made his radio debut when Memphis, Tenn., station WHBQ played his first recording for Sun Records, "That's All Right" on this date, July 7, 1954.



Thank you, thank you very much


Remember it's Richard Starkey birthday today. And all he has to show for it is a photograph.



And he won't sign it for you.


July 7, 1456 -
A retrial verdict acquits Joan of Arc of heresy 25 years after her death.



The pile of ashes that was Joan was unsurprisingly silent upon hearing the news.


On July 7, 1947, something crashed and was recovered near Roswell, New Mexico. This 'recovery' has become the subject of intense speculation, rumor and questioning. There are widely divergent views on what actually happened and passionate debate about what evidence can be believed. The United States military maintains that what was recovered was a top-secret research balloon that had crashed.



Many UFO proponents believe the wreckage was of a crashed alien craft and that the military covered up the craft's recovery. The incident has turned into a widely-recognized and referred to pop culture phenomenon, and for some, Roswell is synonymous with UFOs. It likely ranks as the most famous alleged UFO incident.

Remember, the Truth is out there.


And so it goes.

Kids, don't do drugs

I have been forced to, I mean I am happy to bring you this PSA about the horrors of drug use.



Just say no, especially if you have a talking gorilla with you.


Today in History
Louis Armstrong, a foundational influence on jazz and Swiss Kriss (herbal laxative) enthusiast,



(who once appeared in humorous, albeit risqué, advertisements for Swiss Kriss; the ads bore a picture of him sitting on a toilet — as viewed through a keyhole — with the slogan "Satch says, 'Leave it all behind ya!'") died on this date, in 1971




July 6 1415 -
Jan Hus is burned at the stake for various heresies by the Council of Constance.



Among other things, Hus had incited the citizens of Prague to protest against antipope John XXIII and his policy of granting indulgences.

Those antipopes are so moody.


July 6, 1921 -
Several members of the Chicago White Sox went on trial for throwing the 1919 World Series, on this date. The White Sox players despised their owner Charles Comiskey. He was notoriously stingy. He would offer bonuses for performance and then take them back at the last minute. Gamblers knew that the players were frustrated and angry and offered several of them money to throw the World Series. The night before the series began, a Sox pitcher found $10,000 under the pillow in his hotel bedroom. The next day his first pitch landed between the batter's shoulder blades. The Sox lost the series to the Cincinnati Reds 5 to 3.



Many journalists knew right away that the series had been fixed. One of the accused players, one of the most tragic figures, was Shoeless Joe Jackson, who admitted to taking money, but during the series he didn't make a single error. He also hit the only home run of the series. All of the White Sox players were acquitted for lack of evidence, but the commissioner of baseball banned them from the game for the rest of their lives. None of the gamblers was ever punished.


July 6 1944 -


Fire breaks out at a matinee performance of the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Baily Circus burning, in Hartford, Connecticut, 168 people to death, and injuring an additional 250. The main tent had been waterproofed with wax thinned by gasoline. Said one of the Flying Wallendas, "I can never look down at a crowd again without smelling the flames and the burning flesh." I believe with thoughts like this even I would give up showbiz.



Among notable survivors, beside the Flying Wallendas, were Eunice Groark, first female lieutenant governor of Connecticut and Charles Nelson Reilly.


July 6 1945 -


The Joint Chiefs of Staff approve Operation OVERCAST, intended to "exploit ... chosen rare minds whose continuing intellectual productivity we wish to use." The directive authorizes the immigration of up to 350 German and Austrian specialists, primarily experts in rocketry.



Operation OVERCAST is later renamed Project PAPERCLIP. This is how we got the 'Good Germans' to work on our space program.


July 6, 1964 -
Beatles' film 'Hard Day's Night' premieres in London, on this date.



The word "Beatles" is never mentioned in the movie.



And so it goes.

Happy Birthday Bill

July 1958 -
Bill Watterson, cartoonist and the author of the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes cartoon series, was born on this date.



Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.


It's the 11 year anniversary of the Rev. J. R. "Bob" Dobbs pronouncement that the world would be destroyed by invading alien armies known as the X-ists on July 5, 1998.



As I have posted this days earlier and aliens from Planet X (or Koreans) might be using a different calendar system - if the world has indeed ended (or Hawaii lays in ruins), boy do I have egg on my face.


July 5, 1794 -
Sylvester Graham was born in Suffield, Connecticut, on this date. He was ordained in 1826 as a Presbyterian minister. He was an early advocate of dietary reform in United States most notable for his emphasis on vegetarianism, and the temperance movement, as well as sexual and dietary habits.



Graham believed that a firm, crusty bread made of coarsely ground whole-wheat flour was more nutritious and healthy. He correctly argued that chemical additives in bread that make it whiter in color, and more commercially appealing also made it unwholesome.



Graham was also inspired by the temperance movement and preached that a vegetarian diet was a cure for alcoholism, and, more importantly, sexual urges. The main thrust of his teachings was to curb lust. While alcohol had useful medicinal qualities, it should never be abused by social drinking. For Graham, an unhealthy diet stimulated excessive sexual desire which irritated the body and caused disease. While Graham developed a significant following known as Grahamites, known for stuffing Graham crackers in their mouths when the urge came over them (as opposed to Sodomites known for stuffing ... oh never mind.) He was also ridiculed by the media and the public for his unwavering zealotry. According to newspaper records, many women fainted at his lectures when he aired opinions both on sexual relations and the wearing of corsets. Whether their fainting was due to the subject matter or the tight corsets they wore is still debated.


July 5, 1801 -
Admiral David Glasgow Farragut, born on this date, was the first senior officer of the U.S. Navy during the American Civil War. He was the first rear admiral, vice admiral, and full admiral of the Navy. He is remembered in popular culture for his possibly apocryphal order at the Battle of Mobile Bay, usually paraphrased: "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!".



If you have the time go out and see him, he's in Woodlawn Cemetery, Bronx, New York. (I guess that's only convenient if you're near the Bronx.)



If you're not in the Bronx, you can check out his Memorial statue in Madison Square Park in Manhattan.


July 5, 1865 -
Booth led boldly with his big bass drum—
(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)
The Saints smiled gravely and they said: “He’s come.”
(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)
Walking lepers followed, rank on rank,
Lurching bravoes from the ditches dank,
Drabs from the alleyways and drug fiends pale—
Minds still passion-ridden, soul-powers frail:—
Vermin-eaten saints with mouldy breath,
Unwashed legions with the ways of Death—
(Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?)



The Salvation Army began with the efforts of two founders, William Booth and Catherine Booth, to bring salvation to the poor, the hungry, the homeless, and the destitute. On this date, William Booth established The Christian Mission in London, England, which would later be called as The Salvation Army in 1878. The name was changed to The Salvation Army (apparently by the request of an initial member; the Christian Mission's mission-statement originally called the organization a 'volunteer army', and the speaker felt that he wasn't strictly a 'volunteer') and a quasi-military outlook was adopted.



When William Booth became known as the General, Catherine was known as the “Mother of The Salvation Army.” William preached to the poor, and Catherine spoke to the wealthy, gaining financial support for their demanding work. She also ministered, which was a revolutionary act at the time. From the beginning it was already clearly stated in the Foundation Deed of the Christian Mission, that women had the same rights to preach as men. Together the Booths worked tirelessly to help others and brought a spiritual and practical message of rejuvenation. As William said, “The three ‘S's’ best expressed the way in which the Army administered to the 'down and outs': first, soup; second, soap; and finally, salvation.


Introduced on July 5, 1937, the name "Spam" was chosen in the 1930s when the product, whose original name was far less memorable (Hormel Spiced Ham), began to lose market share. The name was chosen from multiple entries in a naming contest. A Hormel official once stated that the original meaning of the name Spam was "Shoulder of Pork and hAM". According to writer Marguerite Patten in Spam – The Cookbook, the name was suggested by Kenneth Daigneau, an actor and the brother of a Hormel vice president. At one time, the official explanation may have been that the name was a syllabic abbreviation of "SPiced hAM", but on their official website, Hormel denies this and states that "SPAM is just that. SPAM." The fact that the originator was given a $100 prize for coming up with the name, however, still appears on the site's SPAM FAQs.



Other varieties of Spam include Spam Less Sodium, Spam Garlic, Spam and Cheese, Spam with Bacon (Hormel bacon), Spam Spread, Spam Lite (containing pork and chicken), Spam Golden Honey Grail, Spam Hot and Spicy (with Tabasco sauce), Spam Hickory Smoked, and Spam Oven Roasted Turkey - the latter is a halal food, meaning that it is allowed under Islamic law, and is especially popular in Muslim markets.

So is it really something posing as meat.


And so it goes

... bangin' them pleasure machines

Here's the short before the main feature today:




Today in History
July 4 -



If only for one day a year, it's important to remember that the British weren't always the friendly sort of people who gave us the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and Monty Python. They're also responsible for warm beer, vinegar-flavored potato chips, and irritating Anglophiliacs on our own shores pronouncing schedule as shed-yule and issue as iss-yew. On July 4 of every year, therefore, we celebrate our forefathers having told them to screw.

We not only celebrate the purging of the British blight from our land: we celebrate the manner in which it was done, which was at once brilliant, daring, and easily adapted to the screen. The events that led to our independence are all the more worthy of remembrance, even inaccurately, at this crucial juncture in our history, and I therefore offer the following summary of American independence for the edification of both of my readers.



(Yeah, I know it has nothing to do with the Fourth of July.)

In 1774, representatives from each of the thirteen colonies convened in Philadelphia to complain. This was The First Continental Congress. Upon registering their various complaints, they returned home.

One of the colonists' primary complaints was that British cabbies working in the colonies refused to unionize. This was called "Taxis without Representation," and became the issue that ultimately pushed the simmering discontent of the colonies into outright hostility. Sensing the volatility of the situtation, British troops advanced toward Concord in April of 1775, forcing Paul Revere to ride his horse.

The first shot that rang out at the battle of Concord was so loud that its sound reverberated all the way around the world. As a result, the British heard it behind them instead of in front of them. This caused the fog of war. Neither the British nor the Colonists were prepared for fog, so the War was postponed.

In May, representatives once again convened in Philadelphia to complain about the taxis, the fog, and other grievances. This was the Second Continental Congress. Unlike the previous Congress, however, this one tried to work out a deal with Britain's King George. This was difficult, as King George was insane and regularly confused the colonies for colostomies, causing considerable embarrassment to everyone involved but accruing great profit to Britain's flourishing proctology trade.

In June the Colonists developed a Continental Army and a Continental Currency, operating on the assumption that an insane king would be easier to deal with if they had a lot of money and guns. This assumption proved partly correct, as the Brits appeared to ease hostilities for nearly a year. It also proved partly wrong when, in May 1776, the Americans discovered that the King had been hiring German mercenaries to come kill them.

In June of 1776 the Colonists finally decided that instead of working something out with the British it would be easier and more satisfactory to shoot them.

On June 7, Richard Henry Lee of Virginia read a resolution to the Continental Congress. The essence of his resolution was that King George and Great Britain could kiss his hairy American ass. The Congress appreciated Lee's sentiments, and subsequently formed a committee to write a note to King George in which it would be made plain why it had become necessary to start shooting the British.

The committee was chaired by Thomas Jefferson. Its four other members were John Adams and Benjamin Franklin (each of whom was counted twice for the sake of Stature).

The Declaration of Independence wasn't a very long document, but little Tommy Jefferson was trying so hard to impress all the older guys that he overwrote it, using an archaic style of English that is best understood in translation. Here is a translation of the Declaration in its entirety:

"It's a good idea to let people know why you're having a revolution. We think it's pretty obvious that any government that screws its people over is cruising for a bruising. We're not saying anyone with a hair up their butt ought to have their own revolution, but we've put up with an awful lot of crap from King George. He won't let us do anything on our own, and whenever we try, he sends people to kill us. We've asked him over and over to back off. We've told him over and over that we'd only put up with so much. But did he listen? No. So to hell with him and to hell with Britain and all their phony goddam accents. We'll kick their ass or die trying."

These were what political scientists refer to as "fightin' words."

On July 4, 1776, the Declaration was presented to the Congress. Nine of the thirteen colonies voted to adopt it. Pennsylvania and South Carolina voted against it (we know where you live). Delaware couldn't make up its mind, and New York abstained. Copies of the Declaration were distributed the next day (photocopiers were much slower back then). On July 8 it was read aloud in Philadelphia's Independence Square.

The document wasn't fully signed until August, but as soon as it was, Americans began shooting the British in earnest. By February of 1783 they had shot enough of them that Spain, Sweden, Denmark and Russia officially acknowledged the United States of America as an independent nation.

In honor of our Independence, we celebrate the anniversary of its declaration by blowing things up, roasting dead animals over hot coals or gaseous flames, and drinking cold, sudsy beverages that inhibit our ability to think. Such festivities may not honor the philosophical nuances of our revolution, but they do keep the rest of the world at a comfortable distance.

Happy Fourth of July, and God Bless America.

Remember if you're going to drink, drink til you drop, DON'T DRIVE AND DRINK. I have so few readers that I can't afford to lose any of them.

ACME would also like to bring you on this 4th of July a rare Bruce Springsteen clip of "Fourth of July", sponsored by ACME Split Buns -Slide your ACME Snappy Weinie - The Almost 100% all beef frank (but hey don't ask what the other stuff in it is) in our Split Buns and feel the difference:




And so it goes.

Birthday shoutouts are in order.

Happy Birthday Geraldo Rivera [Gerry Rivers] (1943)



and Tom Cruise [Mapother IV] (1962).



I believe I can say that both men have have plastic surgery without fear of goons kicking down my door and dragging me away.

But that is about all I'm going to say.


The Dog Days of summer begin today



Siriusly.

That was an inside joke for astronomers. The following is provided for the benefit of non-astronomers.

Sirius is the name of the brightest star in the night-time sky (the brightest star in the day-time sky is called "the sun"), and it's known as the dog star because it's located in the constellation Canis Major—or, in English, Major Dog. The hottest days of the year in the northern hemisphere happen to coincide with the period during which Sirius rises with our own sun, and primitive bastards therefore concluded that Sirius was contributing to the heat.



Like most primitive bastards, they were wrong, but like most modern bastards, we continue to cherish their timeless wisdom anyway. Plus, having "Dog Days" of summer is a great boon to advertising copywriters, whose creativity is surely the driving force behind western civilization.


Changing the topic -
July 3, 1951 -
An almost forgotten Hitchcock classic, Strangers on a Train, was released on this date.



Raymond Chandler is credited as the main author of the script, but it was almost completely written by Czenzi Ormonde who was credited as second author. Chandler seems to have gone out of his way to behave disagreeably to Alfred Hitchcock. When Hitchcock arrived at Chandler's home for a story meeting, Chandler hollered from his window, "Look at the fat bastard trying to get out of his car!"



July 3, 1996 -
One of the great summer popcorn movies, Independence Day, was released on this date.



If I had known I was gonna meet the president I would've worn a tie. Look at me, I look like a schliemiel.


Happy Birthday Quebec, you don't look a day over 350.



On this date in 1608, French explorer Samuel de Champlain invented Quebec. Since then, the French Canadians have been even more obnoxious than the French themselves.


On July 3, 1969, Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones drowned in his own swimming pool. Although he was the first Rolling Stone to do so, Mr Jones is just one of millions of people to have drowned in their own swimming pools. As a public service I have therefore chosen to help American readers prepare for the long holiday weekend with some advice on how not to drown in one's pool.



1. The easiest way not to drown in your own pool is not to have one. Readers without pools may enhance their safety further by consulting the previous articles, "How Not to Break Your Neck in Your Own Backyard" and "How Not to Set Your House on Fire."

2. If you insist upon owning a pool, don't swim in it, walk by it, or nap in its vicinity.

3. Pools don't drown people: water does. A drained pool is a safe pool. In troubling times like these, it's also worth noting that empty pools may be put to good use as bunkers or bomb shelters.

4. Avoid the use of electronic equipment while swimming. Today's multi-tasking professionals may feel inclined to save time by checking their email or drafting a Powerpoint presentation while taking a few laps, but this can prove ruinous for one's telecommunications equipment and, in the case of desktop computers or mainframes, not much better for one's own health.

5. Wait at least 45 minutes before swimming after the ingestion of mind-altering substances.

6. Don't be a rock star. Scientific research has proven that rock stars are seven times more likely than the general population to drown in swimming pools, bathtubs, or pools of their own vomit.

7. Do not attempt to convert the water in your pool to Jell-O. Jell-O is just as deadly as chlorinated water when ingested by the lungs, but far more likely to attract insects and vermin. It is one thing to drown in your own pool: it is quite another to drown in your own pool and then be devoured by maggots.

8. Avoid poisonous snakes.

July 3, 1971 -
Jim Morrison is found dead of an apparent heart attack in his Paris apartment bathtub.



That's what he wants us to think, anyway.


July 3, 1939 -
Lou Gehrig day; Gehrig makes "luckiest man" speech.



Once again I've got to say - if only he had known he had a disease named after him.


If you are traveling today, have a safe and sane Fourth of July. (I've already left for my mini vacation - so if I missed some breaking news event, like Michael Jackson has hopped off the autopsy table and is moonwalking with Farrah Fawcet and their zombie hordes towards the Neverland Ranch, you'll have to excuse me.)



And so it goes.

It's Flag Day in Curacao.

But wait, there's more.

It's Dan Rowan's birthday (1922).



And Larry David's (1947).



And Jerry Hall's (1956).




Here's your Today in History -
One day in the second half of the ninth century, a poor young woman on her way to the market dropped her basket of eggs, breaking all of them.

The young woman knelt on the ground beside the fallen basket and began to weep.

The local bishop had been out for his morning stroll and happened to see the entire episode. He attempted to console the woman, but she was having none of it. Without the eggs, she had nothing to sell at market. Nothing to sell meant no money to sustain her family. Being unable to sustain her family meant, well, what it usually means: degradation, illness, and eventually death. Soothing words from a bishop weren't much help.

The bishop then prayed for her pain to be eased. When he was done praying, the woman looked into her basked and saw that all of the eggs had been made whole.

"Wot's all that about, then?" she asked.

"It is a sign of God's grace and compassion," the bishop said. "I am but his—"

"God fixed me eggs, what?"

"All things are possible with God," the bishop began, but the poor young woman interrupted again.

"All-powerful God? All-knowing God? I work meself to death eight days to the week, and when he finally comes through with a miracle—it's fixin' me eggs? What about a floor for me hut? What about clothes for me young-uns? What about—"

It is probably not necessary to record the full text of the woman's stirring solecism.

That great religious leader was St Swithun, who died on this date, in 862, . He was the Bishop of Winchester and royal counselor to kings Egbert and Aethelwulf.



History tells us very little about St Swithun, besides the fact that he died when he did, which is why I bring him up: someone ought to invent a life for the guy. Maybe he was raised by wolves. Maybe he was kidnapped by pirates. Maybe he found a genie in a bottle and was granted him three wishes. Or maybe he fell in love with the beautiful red-headed daughter of a rival landowner and they had a tempestuous love affair before tragedy struck her down and Swithun turned to religion for consolation. Who knows? Nobody.

So make up a St Swithun you can live with.



(Remember, if it rains on July 15th, St. Swithun's day, your bread will turn moldy.)


127 years ago today, Charles J. Guiteau stood up in the lobby of the B&O Railroad Depot in Washington, DC, and yelled, "I am a stalwart and Arthur is President now!" The event might have passed without notice had Guiteau not been shooting President James Garfield at the time.



A wounded President Garfield lingered for 11 weeks, during which time surgeons attempted to find the bullet which had lodged in his back. The state-of-the-art technology for removing foreign objects from the body was at that time the hand. Dozens of physicians, nurses, and curious hangers-on probed Garfield's wound with their fingers in search of the bullet that had struck him. The inevitable infection of his wound killed him.



Charles Guiteau was hanged on June 30, 1882.


July 2, 1900 -
Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin airship LZ-1, takes the first zeppelin flight over Lake Constance near Friedrichshafen, Germany.



Unfortunately zeppelin travel never really took off; he did not offer beverage cart service at the time.

Well, that and the whole Hindenburg thing.


July 2, 1937 -
Attempting to become the first female pilot to circumnavigate the globe in an airplane, Amelia Earhart disappears over the Pacific with her navigator, Fred Noonan.



She still holds the record for a spouse going out for a carton of milk and not returning.


48 years ago today Ernest Hemingway blew his brains out at his home in Ketchum, Idaho. Hemingway was a writer. He was also a man. He knew things about being a man. He also knew things about trying to be a man.



He wrote about them, those things. He wrote love stories and stories about fishermen and soldiers. He liked to write. And in the end he blew his brains out. Maybe that means something. Maybe it doesn't. Either way, don't bother asking for whom the bell tolled.

It wasn't for you.


On this date in 1964, President Lyndon Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act, prohibiting racial discrimination.



Barack Obama is proof that America has remained a paragon of racial harmony to this very day.


And so it goes.

It's gives hope to all bald men of the world.

It's July again. According to the Gregorian calendar, July is the seventh month. On the Roman calendar, it was the fifth month and it was called 'Quintilis', meaning 'fifth'. Julius Caesar gave the month 31 days in 46 B.C. Being a dictator he could. Luckily for us he didn't authorize the constant changing of underpant or most of the glory that was Rome may never have been built, due the high laundry bills. The Roman Senate named it 'Julius', in honor of Caesar because, well, he was a dictator.



July is usually the hottest month of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. July is one of the winter months in the Southern Hemisphere. The climate is mild in most of the Southern Hemisphere, with the exception of the COLD Antarctica, and the cold, rainy part of South America.

During July, when there isn't much rain, the grass often loses it's greenness. Some flowers are abundant in July, because they strive on the heat. Also, insects are abundant as well - life is striving in July (in the Northern Hemisphere anyway)!

Independence Day is observed in the United States on July 4. On that day in 1776, the Continental Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence. In France, a similar holiday, Bastille Day, occurs on July 14. Several other countries celebrate national independence in July. Independence Day is celebrated in Venezuela on July 5; in Argentina, July 9; in Belgium, July 21; and in Peru, July 28. In my home July 12th is a national holiday.

The Ruby is the gem for July.



The water lily is the flower for the month of July.



Here are some of the causes recognized in July

American Beer Month.



Anti-Boredom Month ( I believe I have been nominated several times as the spokesperson but an Eastern syndicate always lobbies heavily for Carrot Top. What can I do?)



Boredom is an important sign of depression.


July is National Baked Beans Month.



You all know - Beans, beans, the magically fruit...

Hemochromatosis Screening Awareness Month.



For goodness sake get yourself screened


Hitchhiking Month



Remember, if you're on a dark and lonely road during a thunderstorm, pick up that hitchhiker.


July is National Hot Dog Month - National Hot Dog Day is July 23.



Remember don't look too closely into the bit end of your hot dog


Ice Cream Month (National)



Remember to SCREAM about it


Lead Poison Control Week



So lick that wall kids


Peach Month (There seems to be some confusion on whether National Peach Month is in July or August.



So Dammit, dare to eat the peach!!!)


Read An Almanac Month



Which is evident that I do all the time.


National Therapeutic Recreation Week.
So Happy Ends for everyone


Here is your Today in History:



July 1 - Canada celebrates Canada Day (Canadian for "Fourth of July") today. Canada is the second-largest nation in the world. It is not part of the United States.

In the 142 years of their nationhood, Canadians have given the world paint rollers, snowmobiles, electric organs, green ink, toboggans, snow blowers, plexiglass, and the push-up bra.



Canada has about the same population as California, but fewer Scientologists.

A 7-Eleven in Winnipeg sells more slurpees per capita than any other store in the world.

Today is the 29th anniversary of the Canadian national anthem, 'Like America, But Colder.'



Canada's leading export to the United States is Canadians. Dan Aykroyd, who happens to have been born exactly 56 years ago today, is one. Pamela Anderson is another, and was also born today,
although she's younger (most of her is 40ish, but some parts are significantly younger). Other Canadian exports: Bryan Adams, Paul Anka, Alexandel Graham Bell, Raymond Burr, John Candy, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Kenneth Galbraith, Peter Jennings, kd lang, Marshall McLuhan, Joni Mitchell, Alice Munro, Oscar Peterson, William Shatner, Alex Trebek, Shania Twain, Neil Young and of course, Lorne Greene.



Canada's national bird is the beaver.


And so it goes

Things must be really bad.

Air New Zealand can't afford uniforms for their flight crew.



I have so many questions.


Today in History:
June 30 1520 -
After looting Tenochtitlan, Spaniards are attacked by an angry Aztec mob. Tied down by armor and treasure, they are no match for the natives and nearly half of Cortes' men lose their lives.



Conquistador, your stallion stands in need of company ...


June 30 1837 -
England outlaws the use of the pillory.



This only leaves the British Navy, the lash, buggery and rum.


June 30 1882 -
Charles Guiteau, the assassin of President Garfield, is hanged.



Tickets for the event went for as much as $300. Proving once again, give the people what they want and they'll show up.


June 30 1908 -
A huge airburst explodes over Podkamennaya Tunguska at 7:30 am. The blast flattens thousands of square miles of trees, and is now believed to have been caused by an asteroid or comet impact.




June 30 1934 -
Acting on behalf of the Fuhrer, SS troops around Germany arrest hundreds of loyal SA stormtroopers under the charge of treason in order to eliminate the group.



One squad descends on a Bavarian resort, where it interrupts a contingent of SA men engaged in homosexual festivities. Lieutenant Edmund Heines is caught in bed with a teenaged boy, and shot to death on the spot. The rest are taken into custody. Hitler sacrificed Ernst Rohm (his pal and head of the SA stormtroopers) rather than lose the support of the military. He personally confronted Rohm in a jail cell and left a single shot pistol in the cell. Ten minutes later, Rohm had killed himself .


June 30, 1936 -



Margaret Mitchell's Gone With the Wind was published on this date. It had been extensively promoted, chosen as the July selection by the Book-of-the-Month Club, and so gushed about in pre-publication reviews -- "Gone With the Wind is very possibly the greatest American novel," said Publisher's Weekly -- that it was certain to sell, though few predicted the sustained, record-breaking numbers. Though she had been eager and active for her fame, Mitchell too was caught off guard.



One trip to an Atlanta department store for a dress ended with a clutch of curious women throwing back the fitting room doors to stare at Mitchell in her petticoat: "They wanted to know the size of my intimate wearing apparel. They screamed to one another about me as I stood there like an animal in a cage, one asking the other: 'Ain't she skinny?' while still another observed: 'I expected her to look more middle-aged around the hips.'"


And so it goes.

Who's the next to go?

The King of the infomercials,Billy Mays, the well-known and energetic product salesman on TV infomercials and co-host of the series Pitchmen on Discovery Channel, was found dead early yesterday at his home in Tampa, FL. Mays began selling products on the boardwalk in Atlantic City then traveled the country working at garden and home shows and other sales exhibits.



If I were the king of paper clips or cotton briefs, I'd be nervous.


Today in History:
Jun 29 1613 -
The Globe Theater, William Shakespeare's original theatrical venue, burns to the ground. According to one of the few surviving documents of the event, no one was hurt except a man who put out his burning breeches with a bottle of ale.



It must have not been a very good bottle of ale.


Jun 29 1967 -
Actress Jayne Mansfield may or may not have been decapitated in a car crash, when her convertible collides with a parked tractor-trailer.



To downplay the gruesome death, sources spread the falsehood that only her wig flew off in the accident.


Jun 29 1971 -
When Soyuz 11 disengages from the Salyut space station, cosmonauts Georgi Dobrovolsky, Vladislav Volkov, and Viktor Patsayev are killed by a faulty pressurization valve.



All the oxygen leaks out of the Soyuz cabin before Patsayev can close the valve by hand, and the crew is asphyxiated.

I hate when that happens.


Jun 29 1978 -
The body of Bob Crane is discovered in bed with an electric cord wrapped around his neck and his head smashed in.



When Scottsdale police search the apartment belonging to the former star of television's Hogan's Heroes, they discover a video camera and a large library of amateur porn starring Crane and a parade of random women (isn't that a great name for a band - Parade of Random Women)


Jun 29 1992 -
Mohammed Boudiaf is assassinated by one of his own bodyguards less than six months after becoming President of Algeria. A former hero in the war of independence, Boudiaf had been chosen by the Islamic Salvation Front to serve as figurehead for their regime. More than 100,000 Algerians will later die in political bloodshed in the following decade.



(Please note - this is not a good way to promote one's services as a bodyguard - we will not kill you within the first six months.)



And so it goes.

Tomorrow's the day

Bernie will find out if he speaks the rest of his life in the grey bar hotel.

Happy Birthday Mel Brooks



It's still good to know that Mel is still around -








Here's your Today in History:

June 28, 1902 -
Today is the birthday of nefarious American philosopher John Dillinger, born in 1902. (He is also believed to have been born on June 22, 1903.)



At the age of twenty, a precocious young Dillinger attempted to illustrate the transient nature of material goods by depriving a stranger of his automobile. When a warrant was issued for his arrest by Indiana police disinclined to accept Dillinger's delicate epistemological point, the young man cleverly joined the navy to demonstrate the redemptive powers of patriotism.

Philosophers have historically encountered resistance from the military, and Dillinger was no exception. He fled the service, returned home, got married, and robbed a grocer. The robbery went awry and Dillinger went to jail for nine years.




Jail hardened Dillinger and made him a very bitter man. Upon his release, he began robbing banks almost immediately. He quickly became Public Enemy Number One, which enabled him to be shot to death by the FBI outside the Biograph movie theatre in Chicago. And as stated previously, it is widely rumored (but hotly denied) pug ugly transvestite FBI chief, J. Edgar Hoover, ordered Dillinger's well-endowed member detached from his corpse and pickled, for his private files.



His philosophy, however, endures to this day, and is practiced widely and successfully by various tax authorities around the world. And I have no idea if Johnny Depp will be using his own penis or wearing a prosthetic one.


Jun 28 1905 -
Dr. Beaurieux picks up the freshly-severed head of Henri Languille just after it drops into the guillotine basket and shouts the man's name three times. According to the doctor's report: "Languille's eyes very definitely fixed themselves on mine and the pupils focused themselves. ... I was dealing with undeniably living eyes which were looking at me."



Again, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, the French they are a funny race.


June 28 1914 -
The Austrian Archduck was having an extremely bad day. He was touring Serbia with his wife, the Mallard Sophie. The purpose of his tour was to get Serbia to calm down, it having become extremely irritable for reasons known only to itself, possibly having to do with Austria's occupation of the region. (Either that or gas.)



During their tour, Nedjelko Cabrinovic tosses a grenade into the automobile carrying Archduke Franz Ferdinand and wife Sofia. But Ferdinand knocks the bomb away with his arm and his driver speeds away from the would-be assassin. The driver was naturally addled and the Archduck and Mallard Sophie became lost and stopped to ask for directions from a young boy on the side of the road (and as most men know this is a no-no - if you are lost never ask for directions). The conversation went something like this:

"Say, lad, I'm the Austrian Archduck Franz Ferdinand, heir to the Habsburg throne, and this is my wife, the Mallard Sophie. We seem to be lost. If we don't find our way back I might never have the chance to take the Austrian throne and continue the ruthless and relentless persecution of the Serbian peoples. Could you give us a hand?"



The boy was Gavrilo Princip, and he had just started World War I. The war ended exactly five years later, on June 28, 1919, with the signing of the Treaty of Versailles. The Treaty of Versailles is best known for having caused the second World War.



Gavrilo Princip died of tuberculosis in his jail cell. After his death, the following graffiti was discovered on the wall:

Our ghosts will walk through Vienna
And roam through the Palace
Frightening the Lords.


June 28, 1969 -
Hey, hope you're enjoying the parade today.

In the early morning hours of June 28, 1969 at the Stonewall Inn, a bar in Greenwich Village,.the homosexual community fought back against a government-sponsored system that persecuted sexual minorities, and they have become the defining event that marked the start of the gay rights movement in the United States and around the world.



And literally boys and girls, that's the way it was.


June 28 1997 -
Mike Tyson is disqualified from a championship boxing bout after biting off a large portion of Evander Holyfield's ear. Tyson is later banned from boxing and fined $3 million for the incident.



Tastes like chicken.


And so it goes.

You might have looked at clouds from both sides but

I bet you've haven't seen them like this in a long time -



(It wasn't another sign of the apocalypse - it's an unusual cloud formation that sometimes occurs after a heavy thunderstorm.)


Here's your Today in History:
June 27 1844 -
Mormon leader Joseph Smith, along with his brother Hyrum, are shot and killed by a mob while in jail at Carthage, Illinois.



According to church legend, after Smith is shot a man raises a knife to decapitate him, but is thwarted by a thunderbolt from heaven. God was having an off day and the thunderbolt was meant to fry Smith's sorry ass body to a crisp.


Happy Birthday to You, the four-line ditty was written as a classroom greeting in 1893 by two Louisville teachers, Mildred J. Hill, an authority on Negro spirituals, and Dr. Patty Smith Hill, professor emeritus of education at Columbia University. The melody of the song Happy Birthday to You was composed by Mildred J. Hill, a schoolteacher born in Louisville, KY, on June 27, 1859. The song was first published in 1893, with the lyrics written by her sister, Patty Smith Hill, as "Good Morning To All."

So remember you can start to sing 'Happy Birthday' but don't finish it, the rights to the song are incredibly expensive. You may substitute any of the following for our purposes under "Fair Use":

* "Happy birthday to you, cha cha cha, happy birthday to you, cha cha cha"
*"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, you look like a monkey, and belong in a zoo!"
* "Happy birthday to you, you belong in a zoo, cause you look like a monkey and you smell like one too!"
* "Happy birthday to you, squashed tomatoes and stew, bread and butter in the gutter, happy birthday to you."
*"Happy birthday to you, you're one hundred and two, you smell like a monkey, and you eat like one too!"
* "Happy birthday to you, you were born in a loo, and since it's your birthday, I'll flush it for you!"
*"Happy Birthday to you, stick your head down the loo, don't waste it, just taste it, happy birthday to you"
*"Happy birthday to you, I went to the zoo, I saw a fat monkey, and it looked just like you!".
* "Happy birthday to you, you live in the zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too."
* "Happy birthday to you, you're one hundred and two, you smell like a monkey, and you look like one too!"


June 27, 1905 -
Battleship Potemkin uprising: Sailors from the Battleship Potemkin start a mutiny aboard the Battleship Potemkin, denouncing the crimes of autocracy, demanding liberty and an end to war. Sergei Eisenstein, wacky Russian film director, thinks he can make a summer comedy from the subject matter.



He unfortunately had no sense of humor and went on to create the classic silent film, The Battleship Potemkin, in spite of himself.


It's Bob Keeshan birthday. If you're of a certain age, you remember him very well.




June 27, 1928 -
On this day in 1928, Sylvia Beach invited James Joyce and Scott Fitzgerald to dinner at her apartment over her Paris Bookstore Shakespeare & Company. Fitzgerald became drunk (which is like stating, "The sun rose this morning):. He said he was such a fan of Joyce's that he would throw himself out the window to prove it.



Neither writer was having much success. Fitzgerald had just published The Great Gatsby, and it had not been selling well. Joyce's Ulysses wouldn't be published outside of Paris for another five years. Both men died 13 years later, less than a month apart, with no money and very few readers.

Such is life.


June 27, 1957 -
The brilliant film noir, Sweet Smell of Success, partially based on columnist Walter Winchell starring Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis was released on this date.



I'd hate to take a bite outta you. You're a cookie full of arsenic.


June 27, 1966 -
The first broadcast of Dark Shadows is aired on ABC-TV.



As a child Johnny Depp was so obsessed with Barnabas Collins that he wanted to be him and is reported to begin a film version of the series this summer.



And so it goes.