Who knew the currency exchange could be so filthy?

Really, you'll never think of those dirty bills in you pocket the same way again.



You don't want to know what Andrew 'Old Hickory' Jackson did to the Canadian Loonie.

It's just so wrong.


May 8, 1943 -
Red Hot Riding Hood, another Tex Avery's masterpiece, is released on this date.



Please attempt to keep your eyes in your skull.

I've taken my bank stress test.

I could be very moist, I mean liquid for only $10 million dollars.

Here is your Today in History -

On May 6, 1758, Maximilien-Francois-Marie-Isidore de Robespierre was born (this is not a Today in History fact but follow along, we'll get to it). Even in the revolutionary context of his age, Mr. Robespierre stands out as one of the most revolting figures in history.

M. Robespierre fought valiantly to help revolutionary France achieve liberty, fraternity, and equality but inadvertently caused an unfortunate turn of weather known as the "rain of terror."

At first this rain caused only French loyalists to lose their heads, but M. Robespierre's egalitarian convictions led him to conclude that citoyens from all walks of life should lose theirs as well. The celebrated chemist Atoine-Laurent Lavoisier, for example, was beheaded on May 8, 1794 for having identified oxygen, which people mistakenly thought to be one of the noble gases.



M. Robespierre ended up losing his own head on the guillotine; this was called poetic justice by some Frenchmen and irony by others. This disagreement eventually produced the Napoleonic Age, in which soldiers had to crawl on their stomachs until Napoleon was disabled by the sight of Elba.


May 8, 1886
John Stith Pemberton was druggist and drug addict in North Carolina, plagued by his morphine addiction. Pemberton began work on a coca and cola (kola) nut beverage. It was intended to stop headaches and calm nervousness, but others insist he was attempting to create beverage to help control his addiction, also afflicting other wounded Confederate veterans (he was shot once and slashed with a saber). At that time, beverages containing coca leaf, which in turn contains cocaine were believed to be helpful in combating dependence on opiates. He began this process at his Columbus laboratory, but soon after the war, moved his entire operation to Atlanta.



He created the formula in a brass kettle in his backyard on May 8th 1886. He instructed his assistant, Venable, to mix it with ice water and chill it. They drank it, and both loved it (of course they did - it had cocaine in it). But then Venable accidentally mixed it with carbonated water. They decided to sell it as a fountain drink, as an alternative for root beer and ginger ale. Frank Mason Robertson suggested that they name it Coca Cola for the Coca leaves and Kola (cola) nuts in it. Indeed, Coca-Cola was originally advertised (in part) as a cure for morphine addiction. Oh, for the original formula.




May 8, 1945 -
Let's face it, Harry S. Truman was a shlub for most of his adult life. He was a failed businessman. He was a minor cog in a a political machine when he was picked to be Senator for his home state, Missouri. Roosevelt picked him to be his Vice President to spite his former Vice President, Henry Wallace, who was thought too liberal. Truman's vice-presidency was relatively uneventful, and contact with the White House was minimal; he was not asked for advice nor informed of major decisions. Truman might have slipped into historical obscurity had Roosevelt not to have a massive stroke and die on April 12.



Truman's birthday was coming up and Germany, well the part of it that didn't commit suicide in the bunker or fled to Argentina wanted to give the new President a special gift. So on May 7th, the Chief-of-Staff of the German Armed Forces High Command, General Alfred Jodl, one of the only German's left standing, signed the unconditional surrender documents for all German forces to the Allies. All active operations were to cease at 23:01 Central European Time on May 8 1945, Truman's 61st birthday.



And what did Jodl get for this special gift - a necktie party at the end of his trial at Nuremberg. It was later learned that Jodl was neither guilty of crimes of war punishable by death under international law, nor of other crimes which would have made him a criminal or abuser of military power.



Oops, that what you get for trying to be nice!


May 8, 1963 -
'Dr No', the first James Bond film, and the first to star Sean Connery as the fictional MI6 agent James Bond, premieres in US.



I guess we'll forgive the vodka (and not gin) martinis "shaken, not stirred".




May 8, 1984 -
Joanie (Erin Moran) and Chachi (Scott Baio) tied the knot (finally) on 'Happy Days'! The comedy series, starring Henry Winkler, Tom Bosley and Marion Ross (Ron Howard and Anson Williams had already left the show), was winding down in its final season on ABC-TV.



In the same episode, Fonzie, filed papers to adopt a son .


And so it goes

Alright, enough already.

I get it - cigarette smoking is bad. I don't smoke but I would quit if I did, just to stop the damn commercials.


May 7, 1901 -
Gary Cooper, original boytoy, iconic actor and womanizer, was born on this date.



Super-duper.


Here is your Today in History -

May 7, 1895 -
In Saint Petersburg, Russian scientist Alexander Stepanovich Popov demonstrates to the Russian Physical and Chemical Society his invention - the first in the world radio receiver.



Unfortunately, since no one had invented regularly scheduled broadcasts, the demonstration was a confusing affair.


May 7, 1915 -
A very minor league Archduke and his wife got themselves killed in the Balkins. Before you you say confligration, half the world was at war. On February 4, 1915, Germany declared the seas around the British Isles a war zone and any Allied ships in the area would be sunk without warning. King George V's government chose to ignore the warnings, as they were written in German. This seems odd, as George spoke german, his grandfather was german (Prince Albert) and his first cousin was Kaiser Wilhelm II.



Anyway, a German submarine, U-20, sank the Lusitania, killing 1100. There were no star-crossed young lovers aboard, however, so instead of making a movie about it the U.S. had to enter World War I.


May 7, 1920 -
With much fanfare the Treaty of Moscow is signed. Soviet Russia recognizes independence of the Democratic Republic of Georgia.



No one bothered to tell Lenin and the Soviets invade the country six months later.


May 7, 1937-
The Hindenberg wreckage still lies smoldering having crashed crashed and burned in Lakehurst, New Jersey, killing thirty-six yesterday.



The good news was, it provided a really cool cover for Led Zeppelin's first album and a fairly good basis for a novel by E. L. Doctorow.

May 7, 1975 -
President Gerald R. Ford declared an end to the Vietnam War.



Almost 3 million Americans served in Vietnam. Between 1965 and 1975, the United States spent $111 billion on the war ($686 billion in 2008 dollars). This resulted in a large federal budget deficit. The war demonstrated that no power, not even a superpower, has unlimited strength and resources. But perhaps most significantly, the Vietnam War illustrated that political will, as much as material might, is a decisive factor in the outcome of conflicts.


It's National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day and I'm providing a free screening to all readers.

You can take this test right where you are.

Place the middle and index fingers of your right hand on your left wrist, applying just enough pressure to feel the gentle beating of your blood. That gentle beating is called your "pulse." This "pulse" proves you are alive, which is an indisputable symptom of anxiety disorders.

Medicate yourself as soon as possible and repeat until the world is bearable.

If you don't think you suffer from any anxiety disorders, and you think that the world is bearable just as it is, congratulations! You've already been lobotomized.

And so it goes

No Diet Day

Today, May 6, is International No Diet Day (INDD). It's set aside as a day of relief from the stress of dieting. Instead, there is an opportunity for purposeful body image acceptance.



Kids, it fun to go off your diet now and then but for heaven sakes don't be like Mr. Creosote.

Say no to the last thin mint.


Funny man, Dom DeLuise died Monday night, passing away in his sleep after a long illness. He was 75.



R.I.P. Dom


Today in History
May 6, 1915 -
Orson Welles, Orson Welles, magician, director, writer, actor and producer, who worked extensively in film, theatre, television, and radio, was born on this date.



Considered washed up by age 28, Welles had to struggle the rest of his life to complete some of film history's most complex films.

It must have sucked to be Orson Welles.


May 6, 1937 -
At 7:25 pm, the German dirigible The Hindenburg (Pride of the Nazi Zeppelin fleet) burned while landing at the naval air station at Lakehurst, NJ. On board were 6l crew and 36 passengers. The landing approach seemed normal, when suddenly a tongue of flame appeared near the stern. Fire spread rapidly through the 7 million cubic feet of hydrogen that filled the balloon.



Within a few seconds the zeppelin exploded in a huge ball of fire. The ship fell tail first with flames shooting out the nose. It crashed into the ground 32 seconds after the flame was first spotted; 36 people died. Captain Ernst Lehmann survived the crash but died the next day. He muttered 'I can't understand it,' The cause remains the subject of debate even today.

May 6, 1961 -
George Clooney, award-winning actor, director, producer, screenwriter and humanitarian, was born on this date.



He was also named People's 2006 Sexiest Man.

It must totally suck to be George Clooney


May 6, 1962 -
The first US nuclear warhead fired from a Polaris submarine was launched. The submerged USS Ethan Allen (SSBN-608) test-fired a Polaris A-2 missile with a live nuclear warhead across the Pacific Ocean toward Christmas Island, 1,700 miles (2,700 km) away.



The test, code-named Frigate Bird, was the only one the US ever conducted of any nuclear ballistic missile from launch through detonation. After a 12.5-minute, 1,200-mile (1,900 km) flight, the warhead exploded in the air between 10,000 and 15,000-ft (3,000 and 4,600-m) high with a yield of 600 kilotons.


Karl Marx (the unknown Marx Brother)

It's the birthday of Karl Marx, born in Trier, Prussia (1818). He went to school at a time of severe repression. Pianos had to have skirts on for fear young men would become aroused by the sight of their bare legs. The Prussian government kept the teachers under police surveillance to make sure they wouldn't teach anything too radical like 2 + 2= 4 and so the students, including Marx, became extremely radical.

As a result of his beliefs, Marx was not able to get a job as a chicken inspector after he got his doctorate in philosophy. And without a job, he spent his time analyzing history and stealing tips left for waiters at the coffeehouses he frequented and came to the conclusion that all historical events were caused by economic forces.



He got involved in communism, the belief that all private property should be abolished, men and women should not bathe or shave and pickled herring should be used as a cologne, moved around Europe, writing for newspapers and pornographic pamphets, studying, wanting to write a book about his economic ideas. But Marx was an obsessive researcher, and never knew when to stop reading and start writing. He only became productive after he met Friedrich Engels, a socialist who was also wealthy—the heir to a textile business and primative whoopee cushion novelty item.

Their main theory was that the economic system was a perpetual conflict between those who controlled the capital and those who provided the labor, that the conflict would never be resolved peacefully, that in a free market, workers would continue periodically to lose their jobs, their standard of living would fall, and this would inevitably lead to violent revolution. He believed that giant corporations would dominate the world's industries, that globalism in trade would make markets even more unstable. He also believed that you could hard boil an egg by holding it under one's armpit for a week thus saving money by not paying the gas bill.



Marx and Engels published their Communist Manifesto and Mr. Peepers and the Amorous French Maid in 1848, and revolution did break out afterward in France, Italy, and Austria. Marx's newspaper was shut down. He had to flee the country. He moved to London, worked for years on his last book, Das Kapital. His family in poverty, Marx said, "I don't suppose anyone has ever written about 'money' when so short of the stuff." A spy from Prussia was keeping tabs on him and wrote, "Washing, grooming and changing his clothes are things he does rarely. He does not shave at all. But he does have an unnatural obsession watching Amenian women clip their toenails!"

He fed his family on bread and potatoes, and when one of his children died, his wife had to borrow money from a neighbor to buy a coffin.

When Marx died in 1883, only 11 persons came to his funeral. And they were all charged a mourners tax!




And so it goes.

Celebrate Cinco de Mayo (or the bio-terrorist have won)

Please continue cutting those limes and getting that sea salt ready for the massive margarita you all have to make to celebrate this day - you can't get Swine Flu from limes (or pork for that matter.) For those of you who don't know - it's not Mexican Independence Day (that's September 16th) - it's their victory over the French.

If you another reason to celebrate the day - A US patent was issued for the first bottle with a screw cap and a pour lip to Edward A. Ravenscroft, Glencoe, Illinois (No 2,039,345). Abbott Laboratories of North Chicago manufactured the bottles .



And remember nobody pisses in the beer, that just a stupid urban legend.


Today in History

May 5 2349 BC -
Noah's Ark lands on Mount Ararat, according to calculations by James Ussher, Archbishop of the Church of Ireland.



According to the good bishop, Noah heard about the two for one Margaritas at Senor Swanky's.


May 5 840 -
A son of Charlemagne, Emperor Louis of Bavaria, dies of fright during a total eclipse of the sun.



His sons quarrel, causing the division of his Empire into France, Germany, and Italy.


May 5 1821 -
Napoleon dies on the island of St. Helena, some suspect from arsenic poisoning. More likely, he died from stomach cancer as did his father.


May 5 1925 -
High school teacher John T. Scopes is arrested for teaching evolution by authorities in Dayton, Tennessee, as part of a publicity stunt to make the town famous.



Since Scopes admitted teaching the theory, he was found guity, and the law remained on the books in the backward state until 1967.


May 5 1945 -
Mrs Elsie Mitchell and five neighborhood children are killed while attempting to drag a Japanese balloon out the woods in Lakeview, Oregon. Unbeknownst to Mitchell and the children, the balloon was armed, and it exploded soon after they began tampering with it.



They are the only people killed in action on the US mainland during World War II.


May 5 1961 -
Alan B. Shepard is the first American in space, with a fifteen minute suborbital flight. He was forced to piss himself in his suit prior to launch, as it lacked an evacuation system.



He was launched in the 2,000-lb. capsule Freedom 7 from Cape Canaveral, Florida, by a Mercury-Redstone 3 rocket. The flight traveled 302 miles at a speed relative to the ground of of 4,500 mph.

Aren't you glad you know that now.


And so it goes.

Here comes the rain again

It's going to rain all week - what out for crotch rot.


May 4 1626 -
Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on what is now Manhattan island, where a little settlement had been established on the southern tip by the Dutch East India Company, called New Amsterdam.



While the Indians been pissed off even since then, there are some in Congress that think the 24 dollars could have been better spent.


May 4 1854 -
Joseph Tussaud returns to London with the well-used blade of the guillotine he purchased from Clement Sanson, the last in a line of Sansons who held the office of Executioner of Paris for over 150 years. The blade is now part of Tussaud's Wax Museum collection.


May 4, 1891 -
Noted apiarist and amateur detective, Sherlock Holmes reportedly 'dies' during a fight with master criminal (and his one time math tutor) Professor James Moriarty at Reichenbach Falls.



Mr. Holmes re-appears three years later next to discuss his 'disappearance'. It has been speculated that his friend and chronicler, Dr. John H. Watson, attempted to cure Holmes of his life long addiction to cocaine and morphine during this time period.


May 4, 1954 -
An Old Man goes fishing. It was a good day to fish. He catches a fish. It was a big fish. It was a good day for the fish to die. Sharks, big sharks eat the big fish before the old man gets back to shore. The Old Man goes home to his shack and falls asleep. It was a deep sleep. He dreams about lions in Africa. They are big lions.



Ernest Hemingway wins the Pulitzer Prize. So class, either Santiago is a defeated hero or an undefeated hero. Throw in references to Jesus Christ, Joe DiMaggio, the sin of pride and greed and "A man can be destroyed but not defeated" and you have your Master's Thesis.


May 4 1970 -
28 Ohio National Guardsmen kill four students and wound nine others at Kent State University. The Guardsmen had read them the riot act, but the students refused to disperse.



So they shot them.


May 4 1991 -
To celebrate his father's birthday the previous day, Bing Crosby's son Dennis Crosby puts a shotgun to his head, ending his life in a boarding house in California. A younger brother, Lindsay, had also killed himself with a shotgun two years earlier.



Bing must have been a lovely person.


May 4 1973 -
The first building over 1,400-ft topped out at 1,454-ft. (finished in 1974), took 3 years to build, and is 1,707-ft tall including its antennas. This, the Sears Building in Chicago, Illinois, stands on Jackson Boulevard between Adams and Franklin Streets.



The Sears Tower was designed for more than 12,000 occupants. It took the title of tallest building from the 1,250-ft Empire State Building of New York City which had been dedicated on 1 May 1931
.

Also of note that day -
The first time on network TV (if you consider PBS network TV) - Female Nudity - Valerie Perrine appears in the altogther in Bruce Jay Smith's Steambath.

Sorry folks, I don't have a clip.


May 4 2001 -
After dinner at Vitello's in Studio City, film and television actor Robert Blake remembers that he left something at the restaurant. When he returns to the car, he discovers his wife, Bonnie Lee Bakley Paulakis Gawron Moon Besly Brooksher Webber Telufson Wolfe Ray Blake (yes, she was married to nine other men before Blake) , slumped over in the passenger seat. She had been shot in the head by person or persons unknown. Bakley later dies of her injury.



One year later, Blake is charged with the murder. To the astonishment of some, he is later acquitted of the charges. It was actually suggested during the trial, by the defense, that a list of people with possible motives to kill Bonnie Lee would be longer than the Los Angeles Phone Directory.


And so it goes

Happy Birthday der Bingle

Harry Lillis Crosby, singer, actor, reformed alcoholic, pot smoker and child beater was born on this date.



Hey, maybe Bing wasn't such an awful father. Manybe it's just coincidental that two of his sons committed suicide.


Here is your Today in History -
Niccolo Machiavelli was born on May 3, 1469.



Machiavelli proved that the yen justifies the beans, and is therefore reviled.


May 3, 1494 -
Columbus first sighted the island of Jamaica.



He and his crew remained on the island for some time, no doubt attracted by the tropical drinks, lush golf courses, exciting night life, and parasailing, but in the end were driven away by the high prices.


May 3, 1937 -
A short little southern lady wrote a novel for her own amusement, and with solid support from her husband, she kept her literary efforts a secret from all her friends. She would hide the voluminous pages under towels, disguising them as a divan, or hide pages in her closets or under her bed. She wrote in a haphazard fashion, writing the last chapter first, and skipping around from chapter to chapter.



In a nutshell, a young woman spend nearly 400 pages chasing after a man that she realizes in the end that she never really loved and (possibly) loses the man that she really does.



She also, in less than 10 years:

Marries three men; one dies from the measles, sends another one to his death and the third rapes her in a fit of jealous rage.
Has three children (one dies in a horseback riding accident) and one miscarriage.
Kills a man in self defense.
Helps with an amputation in a makeshift hospital.
Narrowly escapes the destruction of her adopted hometown.
Loses then regains her family's fortune.
Loses almost all of her family by the novels end.
And she still retains an optimistic view on life.

Oh yeah, all of this is played out on the backdrop of slavery, The Civil War, the fall of the South, Reconstruction, the rise of the KKK and a certain dress made from the living room curtains. (You thought Russian novels were convoluted.)



It was a great surprise to her that on June 30, 1936 when her voluminous novel was published. Even more shocking, on May 3, 1937, Margaret Mitchell was the Pulitzer Prize for Gone With the Wind.



"After all, tomorrow is another day!"


May 3 1945 -
British torpedo bombers attack the Cap Arcona and the Thielbek in the Baltic Sea. Both vessels are flying white flags, as there are almost 7,000 concentration camp prisoners aboard. In the process of abandoning ship, the German captain of the Arcona uses a machete to hack his way through the mass of people.



When the ships sink, virtually all of the prisoners drown, making this the single largest loss of life in the history of ocean travel.

You have to marvel at the honorable naval tradition of Germany.


May 3 1963 -
Eugene "Bull" Connor directs security forces in Birmingham, Alabama to unleash police dogs on civil rights protesters, and then blast them with high-pressure fire hoses. Unfortunately for segregationists, television networks bring the footage to a shocked national audience.



In the wake of the overwhelming public response, President Kennedy quips that Connor "has done more for civil rights than almost anybody else."

May 3, 1971 -
All Things Considered premieres on 112 National Public Radio stations and marks the emergence of National Public Radio (NPR), the US national, non-commercial radio network.



Follow me, if you will - do you remember the film, The Hunger with Catherine Deneuve and David Bowie (and Susan Sarandon.) Anyway, remember when David Bowie's vampire character begins growing too old and Catherine Deneuve has to put him upstairs with all her other now elderly former vampire companions.

Well, when you start listening to NPR, you might as well tell David Bowie to move over, you're joining him.


May 3 1987 -
The Miami Herald runs a story that Senator Gary Hart had spent the preceding weekend alone with a woman other than his wife. In an attempt to quell persistent rumors of an extramarital affair, Hart had previously challenged reporters to spy on him, saying: "Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."



The Presidential candidate withdraws from the race just five days later, and the home wrecker, Donna Rice, goes on to launch a career crusading against pornography.


And so it goes

It's the Run for the Roses

It's the 135th Kentucky Derby today. And I'm guessing that bourbon could be used as a hand-sanitizer in a pinch.



Today in History -
On May 2, 1729, Catherine the Great was born. More than any Russian head of state before her, she embraced a closer union with Europe.



And please people, let's stop it with all this talk about the horses - she died of a stroke while sitting on the toilet.

Let's give the woman some dignity.

Baron Manfred von Richtofen was also born on May 2, but in 1892. The World War I flying ace, better known to students of military history as the Red Baron, shot down over 80 enemy aircraft in World War I, sending dozens of handsome young men to fiery, terrible deaths and thereby earning himself a place in the Peanuts comic strip.



(Which hardly excuses Snoopy's reprehensible bloodlust. But then again, we all know that Snoopy was a sociopath with a multiple personality disorder.)


May 2 1863 -
At the Battle of Chancellorsville, Confederate general Thomas J. "Stonewall" Jackson is accidentally shot three times by his own men. Jackson's left arm is amputated and Jackson died of complications of pneumonia on May 10, 1863. In his delirium, his dying words were, "Let us cross over the river and rest in the shade of the trees." His body was moved to the Governor's Mansion in Richmond for the public to mourn, and he was then moved to be buried in the Stonewall Jackson Memorial Cemetery, Lexington, Virginia. However, the arm that was amputated on May 2 was buried separately by Jackson's chaplain, at the J. Horace Lacy house, "Ellwood", in the Wilderness of Spotsylvania County, near the field hospital.



Upon hearing of Jackson's death, Robert E. Lee mourned the loss of both a friend and a trusted commander. The night Lee learned of Jackson's death, he told his cook, "William, I have lost my right arm" (deliberately in contrast to Jackson's left arm) and "I'm bleeding at the heart."


May 2 1946 -
Six prisoners attempt to escape the federal prison on Alcatraz island. They take over their cellblock but fail to gain access to the outside. One guard held hostage is executed by prisoners, and another dies in the attempt to retake the cellblock.



The Battle of Alcatraz ends only after the deaths of three prisoners, and two others are subsequently executed at San Quentin.

I bet there was a lot of after-riot prison sex that night.


May 2 1957 -
Senator Joseph McCarthy dies of hepatitis, brought about by unabated alcoholism. Two and a half years prior he had been censured by the Senate for his "inexcusable" and "reprehensible" conduct during his highly-publicized Communist witch-hunt.



McCarthy eventually discovered that it was far more effective to have private industry oppress its workforce, rather than the government oppress its citizenry.


May 2 1957 -
Mob figure Frank Costello is shot in the head by Vincent "the Chin" Gigante. Instead of killing him, the bullet circumnavigates between his skin and cranium, exiting through the original wound.



Costello retires from the Mafia soon after.

The Mafia was practicing using 'magic' bullets.


May 2 1972 -
World famous paranoid old drag queen and longtime G-man J. Edgar Hoover dies in his sleep at the age of 77.



Most of Washington insiders breathe a huge sigh of relief.


It's my friend Sharon's birthday today. And there is no truth to the rumor that she was the flower girl at Thomas Alva Edison's wedding.


And so it goes

Workers of the world (those of you who still have a job anyway) Unite!!!

Today is May.



Spring is in full bloom. Tender blossoms exude their sweet fragrance as winter's bitter frosts recede. The warming air and diaphanous mists incite the passions and thoughts turn naturally to the ardor of spring—to love, rebirth, renewal, and salad.

You may not have known it, but in the United States May is National Salad Month. By an astonishing coincidence, the second full week of May is National Herb Week. It's a time to celebrate the verdure of the earth with verdure on a plate. Or in a bowl—salad is just that versatile!



Salad has a long and noble history. The word itself comes from the Latin "herba salta," which sounds like "urban assault" but actually means "salted herbs." They called their salads salted herbs because that's what they were: bits of leafy herbs dressed with salty oils.

The Romans weren't the first people to enjoy salad. Though it's hard to imagine, people were eating herbs and vegetables long before the invention of salad forks. Many of our evolutionary forebears ate leaves and veggies right off the plants, vines, and trees on which they grew. In fact, scientists believe our ancient grazing tendencies may explain the popularity of salad bars and our willingness to overlook the inadequacy of most sneeze guards.

The salad was not perfected, however, until the development of Bac-O Bits®, a genetically altered bacon substitute whose artificial bacon flavor and resistance to radiation have made it a staple of American salads, to say nothing of its cult popularity as driveway gravel.

According to the Association for Dressings and Sauces, the altruistic sponsors of National Salad Month, salad dressings and sauces have a history as rich and varied as salad itself. The Chinese have been using soy sauce for over five thousand years, the Babylonians used oil and vinegar, and Worcestershire was popular in Caesar's day. (Ironically, however, the Caesar salad was not invented by Julius Caesar. It wasn't even invented by Sid Caesar. It was invented by Caesar Cardini, a Mexican restauranteur, in 1924.)



The Egyptians favored oil and vinegar mixed with Oriental spices. Mayonnaise was invented by the Duke de Richelieu in 1756 after defeating the British at Port Mahon on Majorca (hence "Mahonnaise," later corrected to mayonnaise). The Duke was best known not for his military victories, however, but his all-nude dinner parties. I'm not going to speculate as to how a bunch of naked people got the idea of covering their salads in a creamy sauce.

In 1896, Joe Marzetti of Columbus, Ohio, opened a restaurant and served his customers a variety of dressings developed from old country recipes. His restaurant might have done better if he had served them actual meals, but his dressings became so popular that he started to bottle and sell them.

It was the birth of a market niche.

Half a century later, in 1950, Americans bought 6.3 million gallons of salad dressing. In 1997, they bought more than 60 million gallons. (This information is indisputable, because it appears on the Association of Dressings and Sauces's website.)

Since the United States had a population of about 260 million in 1997, it looks like the average American buys about 4.3 gallons of salad dressing each year. That's enough to drip a tablespoon per mile from New York to Chicago. I myself don't buy salad dressing, which means that some poor bastard has to buy 8.6 gallons each year to make up the difference. But it all comes out in the wash: I'm probably drinking his gin.

It's informative to note, however, that the Association of Dressings and Sauces measures salad dressing sold, not consumed. We've all seen salad dressing in the final stages of decomposition, the once creamy sauce crusting around the edges and congealing in the bottom of the bottle. Added up nationwide, that's got to be a few million gallons a year.

So it's not like we're pigs or anything.

Carnivorous readers disinclined to celebrate National Salad Month can choose from any of the following celebrations, all of which last the entire month of May:

Allergy and Asthma Awareness Month
Arthritis Month, Better Hearing and Speech Month
Better Sleep Month
Breathe Easy Month
Correct Posture Month
Digestive Diseases Awareness Month
Hepatitis Awareness Month
High Blood Pressure and Education Month
Huntington's Disease Awareness Month
Melanoma/Skin Cancer Detection and Prevention Month
Mental Health Month
National Barbeque Month
National Bike Month
National Egg Month
National Photo Month
National Physical Fitness and Sports Month
Neurofibromatosis Month
Older Americans Month
Osteoporosis Prevention Month
Stroke Awareness Month
Tuberous Sclerosis Awareness Month
Trauma Awareness Month.

Those who like their celebrations a little shorter can choose from the following, all of which take place on the first full week of May: Be Kind to Animals Week, Goodwill Industries Week, National Family Week, National Pet Week, National Postcard Week, PTA Teacher Appreciation, and Small Business Week.


Here is your Today in History -


May 1 is recognized as May Day pretty much everywhere but the United States, Canada, and South Africa. Modern May Day celebrations throughout the world typically feature huge outdoor gatherings of people, brightly colored signs and banners, and a whole lot of tear gas.

The holiday has its root in the American labor movement of the 1880s, specifically the Haymarket tragedy of 1886. Depending on whom you ask, the Haymarket tragedy was either caused by overzealous cops with way too many guns, or overzealous anarchists with way too many bombs (i.e., one).

Actually, it no longer matters whom you ask, because all eyewitnesses would give you pretty much the same answer (i.e., none—they're dead).

Either way, nervous, well-armed cops and edgy, bomb-throwing anarchists are not a combination one encounters often in the annals of the Nobel Peace Prize. As a result, Americans ignore May Day and instead celebrate Labor Day, which features plenty of beer and barbecues and very little tear gas.

We may be complacent, but dammit, we know what to do with a steak.



On May 1, 1915, a thoughtful German government took out advertisements warning anyone on ships flying British flags that they did so at their own risk.

That very day, the oceanliner Lusitania left New York, flying a British flag.



You do the math.


May 1, 1931 -



The Empire State Building in New York City was dedicated by President Hoover from the White House in Washington DC where he pressed a button that switched on the lights. The 102 story skyscraper, at the corner of Fifth Avenue and 34th Street in New York City, was the first higher than 1,250 feet.



Excavation had begun in January 1930, construction commenced in two months later, and its cornerstone was laid in September 1930. The steel framework rose at a rate of 4-1/2 stories per week. The building's construction was completed in a phenomenal one year and 45 days. It reigned as the world's tallest skyscraper until 1954, but it still remains an icon for all things New York .




May 1, 1941
'Citizen Kane,' Orson Welles’ innovative film, often cited as the greatest in American cinema, opened in New York City..



Filmmaking is never the same.


On May 1, 1961, Cuban leader Fidel Castro decided things were going along so well that he absolved the Cuban people of ever having to go through all the bother of another election.




And so it goes

Excuse, has your turtle gone missing?

BRONX. (Metro NY) Animal rescuers found a 60-pound African tortoise in the Bronx on Tuesday. Of course, they named her “Shelly.”




“She’s in very good condition,” said Richard Gentles of the Center for Animal Care and Control. “She’s very active.”

Shelly is a Sulcata tortoise, a legal pet. A Baychester women spotted the tortoise in her yard. No one has claimed Shelly, who is 10 to 15 years old.


Today in History:
April 30 , 1900 -


John Luther "Casey" Jones was born March 14, 1863 in southeast Missouri. While he was still a small child, his family moved to Cayce, Kentucky, which is how he got his nickname. As a boy, he liked trains - HE really liked trains. In 1878, at the age of 15, he went to work for the Mobile and Ohio Railroad as an apprentice telegrapher. By 1890, "Casey" had reached the pinnacle of the railroad profession as a crack locomotive engineer on the Illinois Central Railroad.



In 1899, Jones was given a regular passenger run on the Cannonball route which ran between Chicago and New Orleans. On April 29, 1900 Jones was in Memphis, Tennessee, from the northbound Cannonball when he agreed to take the southbound Cannonball because the scheduled engineer called in sick. He left Memphis at 12:50 am, 95 minutes behind schedule, but made up almost an hour between Memphis and Grenada, Mississippi, nearly 100 miles away. By Durant, 55 miles farther down, they were almost on time.



At Durant, Jones received orders to "saw by" two freights that had taken the siding in Vaughan. The two freights were too large to fit into the siding, leaving one end on the main line. If the "sawing" maneuver had been done correctly, the freights would have allowed the approaching train to pass the first switch, and then the trains on the siding would move past the other switch. However, an air hose on one of the freight trains burst, applying the brakes on the freight cars behind the break, and left them immobile on the main line. Meanwhile, Jones was traveling excessively fast, possibly up to 70 miles per hour, and did not have enough time to brake. When collision seemed imminent, Casey told his fireman, Sim Webb, to jump for it, but Jones rode the engine into the cars and was killed. It is believed that because Jones stayed to slow the train, he saved the passengers from injury and possible death (Casey himself was the only fatality of the collision). Popular legend holds that when Jones' body was pulled from the wreckage of his train his hands were still firmly latched onto the whistle cord and the brake.


April 30, 1938
Bugs Bunny first appeared, so to speak, in the cartoon short Porky's Hare Hunt, released on this date.



The short was co-directed by Cal Dalton and Ben Hardaway. The cartoon had an almost identical theme to a 1937 cartoon, Porky's Duck Hunt, directed by Tex Avery and introducing Daffy Duck. Following the general plot of this earlier film, the short cast Porky Pig as a hunter against an equally nutty prey more interested in driving his hunter insane than running away. But instead of a black duck, his current prey was a tiny, white rabbit. Bugs Bunny introduces himself with the expression "Jiggers, fellers," and Mel Blanc gave the rabbit a voice and laugh that he would later use to voice Woody Woodpecker. In this cartoon, he also quoted Groucho Marx for the first time (from the movie Duck Soup): "Of course, you know, this means war!"


April 30, 1939 -
On a very hot New York Sunday, The 1939 World's Fair had its grand opening, with 200,000 people in attendance. The April 30 date coincided with the anniversary of George Washington's inauguration as President in New York City. Although many of the pavilions and other facilities were not quite ready for this opening, it was put on with pomp and great celebration.



President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave the opening day address, and as a reflection of the wide range of technological innovation on parade at the fair, his speech was not only broadcast over the various radio networks but also was televised. NBC used the event to inaugurate regularly scheduled television broadcasts in New York City over their station W2XBS (now WNBC). An estimated 1,000 people viewed the Roosevelt telecast from about 200 television sets scattered throughout the New York area.




Little remembered but equally important, the View-Master was introduced at the World's Fair that day.



Don't worry about those storm clouds overhead (it's just World War II).


April 30, 1945 -
Holed up in a bunker under the Reich Chancellery headquarters in Berlin(conveniently called the Fuehrerbunker), blushing bride Eva Braun has a hankering for Almond Roca. Finding none available, she decide to chew a cyanide capsule and commit suicide (she was impulsive.) Distraught honeymooner Adolf Hitler, never one to go it alone, decides to commit suicide himself by swallowing a cyanide capsule and (to gilt the lily) shooting himself in the head (he was having a very bad day for an Evil Bastard.)



Soon after, Germany unconditionally surrendered to the Allied forces, ending Hitler's dreams of a "1,000-year" Reich. Guess that didn't work out for him.


April 30, 1975 -
Fall of Saigon: Communist forces gains control of Saigon. The fall of the city was preceded by the evacuation of almost all the American civilian and military personnel in Saigon, along with tens of thousands of South Vietnamese civilians. The evacuation culminated in Operation Frequent Wind, the largest helicopter evacuation in history.



The Vietnam War formally ends with the unconditional surrender of South Vietnamese president Duong Van Minh.

This is a really big Oops for America.


April 30, 1997 -
Ellen DeGeneres's character comes out of the closet on the sitcom Ellen.



Sorry fellas, she only likes the ladies.


And so it goes

It's been 100 days

On the plus side - No Space Alien invasion, so far.
On the minus side - Baconnaise is the probable cause of Swine Flu.



Remember - underwear (clean - unless you're into that sort of thing) can be used as a face mask.

Here is your Today in History -
April 29, 1901 -
Train robber and one of the last of the Old West outlaws, Thomas "Black Jack" Ketchum is unsuccessfully hanged in Clayton, New Mexico.



The executioner's poor choice of rope and Ketchum's recent increase in weight combine to produce a gruesome decapitation in the gallows.

Thomas "Black Jack" Ketchum was the only person ever hanged in Clayton, New Mexico. He was also the only man ever hanged for train robbery in the entire state, a law that was later found to be unconstitutional. But, a little too late for poor Black Jack.

April 29, 1939 -
The Bronx-Whitestone Bridge connecting Bronx and Queens opens on this date.



The opening of the bridge was timed to be completed before the opening of the 1939 World's Fair.


April 29, 1945 -
Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun. The very next day she killed herself. So did he. This demonstrates the importance of not rushing into marriage. You've got to take your time, get to know the other person, and really think it through. Especially if the other person happens to be an Evil Bastard at the head of a hellish genocidal war machine on the brink of defeat.

But it's not enough just making sure your intended isn't a war-criminal-in-training. The sad truth is that if you plan to marry a human being you're in for a pretty bumpy road no matter what—which isn't to say it would be all roses if you married something other than a human.



So maybe Adolf and Eva were doomed anyway. Who knows? I'm only saying they should have given it a little more thought. Bunker marriages have a notorious failure rate.

Actually, in the United States today, all marriages have a notorious failure rate. So maybe the best advice comes from Homer Simpson: "Never try anything."

Say what you will about that bald, yellow tinged, four-fingered man—he's still married.


April 29, 1968 -
Hair: The American Tribal Love-Rock Musical, the rock musical opened on this date. Hair tells the story of the "Tribe", a group of politically active, long-haired "Hippies of the Age of Aquarius" fighting against conscription to the Vietnam War and living a bohemian life together in New York City. They struggle to balance their young lives, loves and the sexual revolution with their pacifist rebellion against the war and the conservative impulses of their parents and society.



It was also a way for middle class America to see nudity on the stage without going to a strip club or porno house.


April 29, 1981 -
Marilyn Barnett publicly alleged that she had a lesbian relationship for seven years with Billie Jean King,

Katy Perry - New Music - More Music Videos

one of America's best-known female athletes and winner of many national and international tennis championships.


April 29, 1992 -
Rioting erupts in Los Angeles after Rodney King's assailants are acquitted by a jury. The looting and destruction begins in South Central L.A. and quickly radiates outward. By the time things are under control, 51 are dead and the city has sustained $1.5 billion in property damage.



Civil disorder manages to spread to other North American cities, through the influence of live TV coverage.


And so it goes.

Hey, I've got to get down to the local medical supply store

before all of the surgical masks are gone, so it's an abbreviated posting today.


April 28, 1941 -
Ann-Margret Olsson, actress, singer and dancer, was born on this date.





If anyone would know if Elvis was still alive, it would be Ann-Margret.

April 28, 1950 -
James Douglas Muir Leno, a truly unfunny stand-up comedian, television host and writer, was born on this date.



Beginning this fall, he will be inflicted on the American public every weekday at 10 PM - perhapswe can solve America's energy crisis by turning off all TV in the US at 9:59 PM.



Today in History -
April 28, 585 -

April 28, 1789 -
In the middle of the South Pacific, the crew of the HMS Bounty, led by either Clark Gable, Marlon Brando or Mel Gibson mutinies, setting Charles Laughton, Trevor Howard or Anthony Hopkins and 18 other crewmen adrift in an open boat, so they can hang out with topless Tahitian teens.



Sometimes history is very confusing.


April 28, 1881 -
Billy the Kid escapes from a New Mexico jail, killing jailer Bob Ollinger and a fellow prisoner in the process. Billy will survive for another three months before Pat Garrett finally kills him.



Somehow Jane Russell's braless bodaeous ta-tas are involved in this story


April 28, 1945 -
Italian dictator Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci are captured by partisan fighters and executed (castrated and hung upside down on a meat hook).



Just because you can get the trains to run on time does not mean that the voters love you.


April 28, 1996 -
After finishing his lunch at the Broad Arrow Cafe in Port Arthur, Tasmania, 28-year-old Martin Bryant pulls out an AR15 rifle and kills 12 tourists. Then he drives to a nearby bed & breakfast and slays 23 others. Bryant surrenders himself to police the next morning, after catching himself on fire in the act of burning down the B&B.



He wasn't happy with the service.


And so it goes

You will Wash Your Hands and you will Stay Home!!!

So orders Janet Napolitano, U.S. Homeland Security Czar (or Tzar or Tsar or Führer.) Don't make her come to your home and wash your hands for you.

Apparently we're all going to die from Swine Flu in the US before we go broke.



Dammit, if only bacon didn't taste so wonderful - looks like it was a bad day to give up being Kosher (or Muslim for that matter.)

A brief message to Governor Rick Perry of Texas - guess you picked a fine time to talk of secession.



Let's see how long it takes to get that call back from Washington about federal aid to deal with the upcoming pandemic.


Ulysses S. Grant would have been 187 today.



And if the rumors are true, he is still buried in Grant's Tomb.


It's the last shopping day before Saddam Hussein's birthday!



Check to see if Macy's is running their Memorial Tyrant's Day sale.


Today in History:
April 27, 4977 BC -
Today should have been Earth Day,



God creates the universe, according to calculations by mystic and part-time astronomer Johannes Kepler.


April 27, 1509 -
The entire state of Venice is excommunicated by Pope Julius II for an entirely secular reason:



the refusal to place parts of Romagna under the Pope's control.

Oh, those wacky Pre-counterreformation Popes.


April 27, 1521 -
In an hour long battle with Philippine islanders, Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan and his men are repeatedly jabbed with sharpened bamboo spears. After Magellan finally succumbs to his wounds, the natives hack him to pieces with their swords, barbecued and consumed him.




They were surprised that they were not hungry an hour after eating him as they had been after eating some Asian explorers previously.


April 27, 1861 -
In a blatantly unconstitutional act, President Abraham Lincoln suspends habeas corpus inside a zone between Philadelphia and Washington, D.C. The government may now detain citizens indefinitely without ever filing charges. A year and a half later, Lincoln expands the scope of his order to the entire nation.



If you're like me, I'm sure that you are greatly relieved that the previous resident of the White House didn't read much history.


April 27, 1865 -
The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurs on this date. The 'Sultana', carrying approximately 2,300 passengers, the majority being freed Union POWs from the notorious Andersonville and Cahaba Prisons, exploded in Mississippi River, while en route to Cairo, Illiois.



Neither the cause of the explosion nor the final count of the dead (estimated at between 1,450 and 2,000) was ever determined. Today, the 'Sultana' disaster remains the worst of its kind .

Talk about bad luck.


April 27, 1871 -
The American Museum of Natural History opened to the public in New York City, New York. With a series of exhibits, the Museum’s collection went on view for the first time in the Central Park Arsenal, the Museum’s original home, on the eastern side of Central Park.



The museum began from the efforts of Albert Smith Bickmore, one-time student of Harvard zoologist Louis Agassiz, who was successful in his proposal to create a natural history museum in New York City, New York, with the support of William E. Dodge, Junior, Theodore Roosevelt, Senior, Joseph Choate, and J. Pierpont Morgan. The Governor of New York, John Thompson Hoffman, signs a bill officially creating the American Museum of Natural History on April 6, 1869.


April 27,1963 -
Comedian Lenny Bruce is arrested in Miami for illegal possession of hypodermic needles.



They were, however, for legally-prescribed prescription drugs.


Apr 27 1986 -
Someone interrupts the HBO satellite feed during the movie The Falcon and The Snowman. For five minutes, two-thirds of their customer base receives the message: Good evening HBO from Captain Midnight. $12.95 a month?



No way! (Showtime-Movie Channel Beware.) Three months later, the FCC arrests Florida satellite dish retailer John R. MacDougall for the crime.


Apr 27 1987 -
After determining that Kurt Waldheim had "assisted or otherwise participated in the persecution of persons" during his Nazi years, the Department of Justice places him on a watch list of undesirable aliens. As such, the sitting President of Austria is disallowed entry into the U.S. It is the first time that a foreign head of state is legally forbidden from visiting America.



I suppose that he suffered from Waldheimer's Disease - it's when you have difficulty recalling that you're a Nazi


And so it goes