Friday, May 5, 2017

You wouldn't tolerate an underperforming midwife

But I know many of you could care less that it's International Midwivery Day; the idea of having a day to recognize and honor midwives came out of the 1987 International Confederation of Midwives conference in the Netherlands.

Please take a moment from cutting those limes and getting that sea salt ready for the massive margarita you all have to make to celebrate this day.  For those of you who don't know - it's not Mexican Independence Day (that's September 16th) - it's the celebration of Mexican General Ignacio Zaragoza  over the French General Charles Latrille de Lorencez .

If you need another reason to celebrate the day - A US patent was issued for the first bottle with a screw cap and a pour lip to Edward A. Ravenscroft, Glencoe, Illinois (No 2,039,345,) on this date.  Abbott Laboratories of North Chicago manufactured the bottles.

And remember, the Mexican government will never pay for that wall and there is no truth to the rumor that Mexican's are pissing into your Coronas,

It's just a stupid urban myth, although it's a good thing that the President doesn't drink beer.

May 5, 1891 -
The Music Hall (Carnegie Hall) opened in NYC on this date with Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, noted Russian composer and secret sodomite, as guest conductor.

It was quite a celebration. Andrew Carnegie’s new Music Hall opened with a five-day music festival on this date.

May 5, 1934 -
Columbia Pictures released their first The first Three Stooges short, Woman Haters, starring  Moe Howard, Larry Fine and Curly Howard, on this date.

Out of the 190+ shorts The Three Stooges made, this is one of the few in which their characters aren't called by the Stooges' real names (or variations of their real names).

ACME salutes you

Today in History:
May 5, 2349 BC
Noah's Ark landed on Mount Ararat on this date, according to calculations by James Ussher, Archbishop of the Church of Ireland.

According to the good bishop, Noah heard about the two for one Margaritas at Senor Swanky's.

May 5, 1821 -
died on the island of St. Helena on this date. Some suspect from arsenic poisoning.

More likely, he died from stomach cancer as did his father.

But then who knows, I wasn't there, were you?

May 5, 1921 -
French designer Coco Chanel introduced her iconic Chanel Number 5 perfume to some of her friends on this date. Initially, it was given to preferred clients for free at her boutique. The fitting rooms in her boutique were also scented with No. 5.

Coco Chanel commissions renowned perfumer Ernest Beaux to create the most expensive perfume in the world, Jasmine was the most expensive perfume oil and Chanel No. 5 relies heavily on Jasmine.

May 5, 1925 -
High school teacher John T. Scopes was arrested on this date for teaching evolution by authorities in Dayton, Tennessee, as part of a publicity stunt to make the town famous.

Since Scopes admitted teaching the theory, he was found guilty, and the law remained on the books in the backward state until 1967.

May 5, 1943 -
I am restless. I don't mind leaving this comfortable, static life. I could live a year on my own in a remote village.

Michael Palin, actor, screenwriter and (thankfully for humanity) a very silly person was born on this date.

May 5, 1945 -
Mrs Elsie Mitchell and five neighborhood children were killed while attempting to drag a Japanese balloon out the woods in Lakeview, Oregon on this date. Unbeknownst to Mitchell and the children, the balloon was armed, and it exploded soon after they began tampering with it.

They were the only people killed in action on the US mainland during World War II.

May 5th, 1955,
On this bright and sunny spring day, the United States decided to blow an American city into oblivion in order to test a new cooking method. At 5:10 am on this date, a nuclear bomb assigned to Operation Cue (a.k.a. ‘Apple-2’ or Operation Teapot) was detonated at Area 1 of the Nevada Test Site. A collection of structures, buildings (one containing a freezer full of Birds Eye frozen cod fillets, along with frozen chicken pot pie, frozen french fried potatoes, and other chilled foods) even mannequins were designed to measure the effects of an atomic weapon used against urban centers.

According to officials,   “Frozen food samples from the stations at 1270 and 2750ft were found to be definitely radioactive, particularly the cod fillets.”  Shockingly, the food samples were eaten; no surprise, they didn't take good.  Developers of microwaves felt this was not a practical method for quick and efficient cooking. 

No word on the survival rate of the taste testers.

May 5, 1961 -
Alan B. Shepard was the first American in space, with a fifteen minute suborbital flight. He was forced to piss himself in his suit prior to launch, as it lacked an evacuation system.

He and his soiled space suit were launched in the 2,000-lb. capsule Freedom 7 from Cape Canaveral, Florida, by a Mercury-Redstone 3 rocket. The flight traveled 302 miles at a speed relative to the ground of of 4,500 mph.

Aren't you glad you know that now.

May 5, 1994 -
Michael Fay, an American teenager, was charged along with others for vandalism in Singapore. Fay’s original sentence was four months in jail, a large fine and six caning strokes. With the enormous amount of media coverage in the United States and the intervention of U.S. President Bill Clinton, this was reduced to approximately three months in jail, and four strokes.

Although, in the U.S., this is considered unusual and harsh punishment for vandalism, U.S. public support for the whacking was overwhelming (running 90% in Fay’s home town of Dayton, Ohio).  Mr. Fay was obviously a popular kid back home.

It should be notes that many a strapping hairless youth from the West Village would have gladly dropped trou, spread their firm, waxed buttock, exposing their freshly bleached anus, and manly taken four and twenty lashes with barely a whimper and asked for more.

And so it goes.


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